feeling like shit right now. i mean after 2 days of hardcore bio mugging and another 2 of sitting rigid and scribbling my left pinky off on a tiny flip desk on my right (note i am left handed) my entire body is aching from i don't know what the heck and my neck and arms are so stiff i can barely turn to fluff the pillow i am collapsed upon. i am also emotional diarrhoea because every single day i come to vjc i am reminded of the fact that this is the legendary jc experience i have built for myself and the same one i am going to takeaway and never look back on. sure i harboured feelings and all that hopeful shizz for awhile as a form of an emotional anchor but i was always lucid about the fact that it was never going to work out anyway. so i don't think it counts. sometimes i tell myself that this is all okay because i came here with the honest intention to ace A's maybe make a few lil pals give and take, finally getting the fuck out of this country. don't get me wrong it's a lovely place and i am unbelievably thankful for every opportunity i've taken for granted. i have merely suscepted myself to being mauled by the system; societal mechanisms. it's been years and i am stuck in this cycle of existential aloneness as opposed to loneliness. only society could ever make me feel inbearably lonely. i think i have become obsolete. i am destroyed and there is no other way but to start afresh and all i am certain of is that i can't do it here.




ps. i'm pretty certain nobody reads this anymore