Going to try and be the person who lives everyday day-by-day; does everything thing-by-thing; deal with everybody as if they were all actually different and individual. Basically just going to try and live by the moment and stop worrying about everything under this God-damned sky. Try. I guess things would be a whole lot easier if I were any less incoherent.












Thank you. I will believe, in you, at least. One thing for sure, I won't leave. I'm not a necessity, but neither are you my only, and that is where understanding comes in, to help us savor this.

Let us enjoy this ride while we still can, to hell with obligations and consequences. We are strong and free, we don't need to rely on anybody.










Today was a really good day :-) For once I wished I could split myself into several Anitas to spread all my love and hoppiness yes not happiness because I believe happiness has to be a long-term thing, and ya split myself so that I could spend more time with more people and be hoppy with all of them :-) ::) :;:)

It all started when I woke up at 7:30 because I COULD then got bored because it was early so decided to go for a run because I was bored then ended my run because I was tired then bathed again because I ran!!!!

Yay was an Anchovy in the packed bus and I strongly believe Sarah and Lidiya were rather proud of me for fulfilling my purpose in life. Reached school at 9:30 because I (we) COULD and had to undergo Jian Yi's psychology test: I have 69% sex drive and am married to a millipede NO HUGE WONDER THERE right LIT WAS THE HAPPIEST PART OF THE DAY (sorry for being happy) I SWEAR NO PAPER HAS MADE ME FEEL THIS ELATED OK NOT EVER bloated with vomit maybe but elated lol out of the question and nobody take this personally please just a hoppy opinion on the paper

Shooting practice with the team was okay too I have a new booboo on my index finger because I unsmartly decided to test-drive my left hand. Came back to an Athenaliscious school and had a balls of a time lolsballs and headed to Tampines to get my spactacles (yes I spelt that wrong I refuse to backspace on this lousy iPhone because I am an ungrateful busty bastard) and ya lost my old ones so.... new ones had to come along. Got waffles and then went home yay hoppy hoppy came home to a new Ukelele because my mother is determined to drown me in my never-ending sea of guilt/decompose from failure-excuse-of-a-daughter syndrome.

It was a good day and I really want to assure myself that there are more faces to life than Emptiness Angst Loneliness and whatever negativity that makes everything seem as if they won't ever end. Just pray I remember this.

Or maybe I was just really distracted today.








credits to ruimin!


Meant to get up at 2am to start on revision but who knew lol slept through all my alarms and none of Charlotte's calls got through because reception these days suxballz yup. Got up at 4am instead kudos to Charlotte again for her texts and to my phone for making a genuine effort to receive them. :'-)

Amath... I can't actually say I fucked it up without feeling horrible because I know I didn't even try. Doing my best was out of the question, feeling extremely out of sorts then. What more I've been having constant episodes of panic break downs these days, over MYEs or not, I can't even be sure myself.

Tauhuay after both papers with Mel! Had two servings what a diabetic blast. Went home earlier to sleep only to get awoken by horrors. Really tired, barely started on bio and... ya came to
the conclusion that since I've already failed one Math may as well fail the other too so I can focus on something that won't make me slap myself every 3.14152 seconds and pull my hair out.

I just know I want an action figure of Amanda for christmas this year.












Living in my own bubble this weekend! Reminds me of yesterday's English paper, bell jars and the word 'artificial'. My essay was a pretty awkward mixture of horrid and perfect so I shall leave it up to the examiner's judgement ha ha ha ha.

Was just thinking about how I'd like to die if I had the luxury of having options. Suffocating would be absolutely unattractive, that's crossed out. Would much rather hire an assasin and give him a signal when it's time for him to throw knives at me. I'd want to stand at the edge of some reknown cliff in New Zealand. It would be really nice if I could land on a sheep mating with my favourite cow (the one that provided me with milk all my life) once I fell. :-)

Ps. Have been researching on the oddest subjects highly doubt anybody would believe this

It's as if everybody's a puddle of water and I'm constantly attempting to disrupt that image of peace and perfection they seem to provide me on their surfaces. I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF IT. Sometimes I actually hate that I have to. I never fail to retrieve an ulterior motive from every speech; the way they giggle hysterically; the way they flirt with straight girls; every book they read; every promise they (try) to make me and I just nod in accent and put up a façade of placing an ounce of trust in their sweaty palms.

Doubting can be so tiring.
Everything can be so tiring.
wahlao just die ok.
But maybe the angels up there are bitchy I wouldn't want to live an eternal life with bitchy angels I WILL START DOUBTING THEM TOO and when they are kind I will assume lols fucking angels.

On a side note, thanks I for the chocolates, all the best in everything you do ok keep the hormones in check, I believe you're an amazing person.


When I was younger (I was never actually Young), I always believed I would go to hell because of all my bizzare deeds and then I'd dream of making friends (best ones) with the master Devil maybe a smoke a day or two.
So I cried and prayed every night, prayed that my pillow, Cosi, and I would make it to Heaven some fine day because everybody told me it rained anything you wanted it to rain there, anytime. I even came up with an entire new world, in my pillowcase, only accessible to my pillow. We were the best of friends. Back to the new world, it was called Lolia and I wrote several entire books about it (best of it thrown away by the Mom, along with my spark of imagination), and my pillow and my brother's bolster's adventures in Lolia and Memomia (Brother's world). We were on talking terms back then (Brother, not pillow), we'd even film our toys. One fine holiday, we actually achieved Episode 17. I even drew pokémon cards which then evolved into my own creation of cards, that my brother would sell in school everyday, and this girl who had a mad ass crush on him would purchase every bit of it. He never did credit me for it though. I couldn't care less, I was happy.

I never once believed in the possibility that I am not a crazy person.

So much I'd like to say to you but I'm too sure we'll both burst out in tears before I even get started. I don't ever want to deal with or voice out my doubts about this relationship because I just really don't want to risk losing it for good. Or everything getting any more awkward than they already are. Sigh, so much is going on. I can't talk to you. You can be sure of one thing though, you'll always be one of the two people I love. For sure.





It really is just another day for us to reflect on how sad we really are as a family. Just look at everyone else out there, with all their vast gifts and daily-proclaimed love.




MR SNG i am on my knees will you JUST COME BACK


Go ahead, have a billion aquaintances for all the good it'll do you. A good boost for your painfully depleted self-esteem? Or just realization that you're living in the lie of a moment that a billion people want us for who we are?

Mid years are in 7 days, I'd much rather be rearing cattle and running several miles an hour.










'Alone' really isn't as awful as society makes it out to be these days. People assume that lonely people are the way they are because they have been either repulsed or thwarted by those meant to be their friends; their trustworthy companions. They assume that these people who are 'alone' have been rejected by society, and are hated for reasons they know not. People assume that they have already been victimized by the judgmental glare of society, thus neglect to put in that wee ounce of effort and grasp the opportunity to understand and actually judge these people for themselves. People hence decide to keep a safe distance from these 'rejected deviations' in order not to get associated with them. People who refuse to risk that inch and just maybe stop to listen.
After awhile, people get hypocritical. People lie. We people.














Found a 7-Eleven plastic bag this evening containing an unopened pack of Malboro reds. I left it and walked off without a backward glance.
Fat, and more than a little tired.


It's you, it's you, it's all for you, everything I do. I tell you all the time. Heaven is a place on earth with you. Tell me all the things you want to do. I heard that you like the bad girls. Honey, is that true? It's better than I ever even knew, they say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if somebody is loving you, baby now you do.


























Just the rate everything's been dragging me on along the grazed black tar road, 'abrasions' should be a socially accepted way of life. It's as if all I've been impending won't ever pass.


LOOK HERE EVERYBODY i don't exactly know why but hello was just reading all my old posts and dear lord I disgust myself with my pathetic-lovelorn-fool syndrome. 'i love you too much. it's not your fault' and 'it's been a month girl', the old me defines 'disgusting'
but hey look i actually seemed happy half the time!!!! Right now i'm just all 'its been a year' and stress and coping and balance and dysthymia and shit ah well then again nobody can really rely on blogs or words or diaries when it comes to dealing with the big time lying fucker I am. I wish I could be cheem enough without trying so that i could hide my shit without tearing my hair out lying and just paraphrase everything into shit nobody would try and understand.












kudos to Mel








Very stressful and unproductive day at the airport. It got awkward towards the end.

Extremely inspired to learn the intro to Safe and Sound. That song can annoy me but right GET EM PRETTY GURLZ