Hello, after about an hour of sitting at my desk, unable to find it in me to reflect and write about my year, here I am. I have always been so reluctant to write or just reflect and really analyse my own life; it's a huge mess i made and i don't want to face reality. To be really honest to myself, this depression shit was brought upon me by myself even before the year began. I was already falling into that black hole towards the end of last year. I had lost whatever hold I used to have on anything. The most part of this year was really spent trying to find myself again and in very simple terms, trying to be happy. I have lost my ability to open up and express myself, but I guess that's really no news. This is probably going to be the most open I've been about many things for a really long time.





Ah where should I start? The first thing I can recall is CC comp. So many tears and feelings. It began late into 2011 and yeah I had that whole long post dedicated to T-Rex so I am not going to go on about it. Hmm hmm I no longer feel any trace of what I used to feel for her. I don't even remember what brought it on and I'm just really glad I snapped out of it anyway.



Then there was orientation, and meeting 3N. I hardly remembered anything about it until last monday when lidiya mentioned how noisy I was then and yeah god I was such a happy kid what the fuck happened??? Not very pleasant but I remember spazzing like a fool over how attractive and pretty she was, and it spread like wildfire and somehow everyone knew but that was nothing lol honestly I knew better. Somehow I'm finding it really really difficult to recall anything that happened before end of years. Perhaps because I've suppressed everything for way too long. Anyway yabayabaa then there was the London trip, I admit I could have felt alot happier if several things had been alot different. But it was really worthwhile and I learnt so much, about literature and about ourselves too. I am grateful for that lunch I spent with the old 2P gang after visiting shakespeare's old place, those people couldn't stop making me smile despite the freezing rain and wind and I got to know Jade better too. All those sessions spent hunting albums down at HMV, especially with charlotte and hariza when we hung out at Bath ahhh seriously unforgettable. Those breakfasts and dinners too, and having reflection at the corridor or in fern and ms goh's room!! When mel ed and I went to ms goh's room to do our turn of reflection on her laptop and she was drinking beer. EMERGE was a blast too, with the dear cast (jen, charlotte, hariza, vid, grace, charmaine, cheryl, edwina) and crew! Thank god I still have a year left with these amaze balls people, and even at the end of our journey as a lit class, it'll all stay gold in my heart.



Moving on to when I met you; when my life changed. February 6. everything around me changed, not really for better or for worse. I changed too, but I believed I was so happy with you. Meeting and talking to you for the first time, I think it was after jogging and we were hiding at the usual spot, and we took those pictures i still think i looked stupid in. That 4+2 hour long phone call through the night then all those hour-long phone calls through countless other nights that followed, not giving a damn that we both had school the next day, and how walking you to your class was like walking through a lion's den every damn time... Valentines day was cray cray and then before we knew it one month had passed. Then two and three and then things got really complicated and this huge mess started brewing in my head. I believed then that things were over for sure and you weren't there with me on my birthday but we got through it anyway. I remember running past you during camp because I had to change, it was the night of the finals and you were so upset, but I couldn't stop for you. There were also all those dates to the most godforsaken place on earth: NEX and we had the best kind of luck to bump into the people we bumped into there... At night, even. Things went on, at times I force myself to think about what I all I had lost for you. All I'd given up. It was too much, i'd never felt so alone in my life. Month after month, I guess things took a turn for the worse somewhere from there. Despite all that, I can safely say that I don't regret a single thing I had done with you. Thank you for being a part of me.

This post itself is going to be messy enough itself with all the different people and events involved in it. Well here's to another someone. I got to know you even better at the start of the year, I had only ever hung out with you amongst our other mutual friends.  I recall lying on the floor and listening to that song, then I found out it was your favourite coldplay song too and damn did head get fucking messed up from there. Yeah then there was OAC and things got even weirder and more painful... It went on for months too and then the trip. But whatever I refuse to delve further into it as it is over and I figured that none of it was real from the start; just myself messing with my own head again.



Even my birthday this year was somewhat a mess in the midst of all that being released.. Though I was unbelievably touched when renee mel charlotte and whoDARLINGever got me the huge (i mean really huge) customized brownie. Seriously. Touched beyond words man despite the element of surprise being taken away by jen hehehe. And the cupcakes from Athena, i'm sorry for the way I behaved too. Sigh.


Anyway, one thing that really added flavour to my year: Sports. Life. Running. There's just so much about it. From serving 3N as sports rep to x-country to being house capt and joining cheer. Wow, cheer. I have no idea what happened there but I definitely don't regret joining because of all the people I met. Everything this year has played a part in my life. It made all the stress over the identities and coping absolutely worth it ah so much pride and love for Bougae!!!! It was overwhelming as hell man standing there holding the house cup /screams. Oh cross-country haha I was literally jumping with joy when I found out I was ninth, though I couldn't make it for the prize presentation because of shooting, I was really upset but that's fine it's the journey and not the end that counts afterall. Then all those running dates with sarah and shuyu and TAU HUAY.














Speaking of tauhuay I just have to put this across: I LOVE MY FISHES LIKE I LOVE TAUHUAY and like sarah said, that's a lot of love. I can't thank these people enough for all they have brought into my life in the bare span of a year, they put the lepak in my life. All that hanging out after school, mostly with Sorfina my fish who has been through alot with me, and Sarah and Bren who were like the Sam and Patrick to my Charlie. Then towards the end of the year I got to spend more time around everybody and I realised how happy and free they really made me feel, and all our whatsapp convos are just mopey shitballz they make me smile so much!!!! Sarah, sharifah, lidiya and brenda, I refuse to imagine what the coming year would be like without you guys around. Painful.






















I'm also really looking forward to the year ahead because of my peg pigs (god knows how we came up with the name) who brought life to 2012. Especially dear charlie I really have so much to thank you for, so much has happened throughout this year and you've been there for a good part of it. Thank you for being the best bro anybody could have possibly asked for, I love you and ya I actually cannot wait to hug you in two days. Also guysssss, after hanging out the past years and all, I was honestly a little surprised it took us so long to get here and realise how much the all of us actually have in common. All those lepak sessions and also hanging out during school really played a huge part in getting me through everyday I'M SO STOKED FOR whatever more there is to come next year hehehe Barmy britain, mosaic, cgt, idk!!! Love you guys man.







There are also another 19 ninjas who really made a difference in my year. So many moments and memories yet I want to save a good lot of the cheese and feels for 4 months later (4?!!!) when we *** SHHHH ninja TABoo lol all this writing and thinking really gets to my head ok back to business.... NDP this year was actually disappointing compared to last year. Perhaps it was because we were no longer the GOH but there was something else missing there. It doesn't matter anyway, we did perfect and our trainings paid off. Just like they did for drill comp. That was no miracle there, we absolutely deserved that 5th placing. Also, campcraft comp with part athena and shooting with chels and joee, and that lonely mopey journey to nex with chelsea at night to meet athena after shooting finals, we had no idea how to break the news to them, with drill comp prelims the very next day. But then again, there's still next year. Our last competition together, to live up to whatever reputation we have made for ourselves as a squad. Though I won't be able to stand there and make that hopeful announcement for all of us; we would have ***ed by then. Then there was AC that shit cray with our literally sleepless night. Had to slap myself over and over (claris played a part) to stop myself from dozing off... That super tense CF night with Jen because DREAD and worry that it would turn out like it did before. But it didn't ah thank ninjaheavens for that. I admit, throughout this year i developed really strained relationships between myself and some of us because of my own stupidity.


You have always been there for me the past 3 years, at one point I swear we were best friends. I don't know what drew us apart last year and I was thankful enough that things changed for the better at the start of the year. I'm terribly sorry for hurting you the way I did, no matter how unreasonable your reaction was when I tried opening up to you back then. You can be so unbelievably cold, sometimes, yet I can't help but remember everything we have gone through together. How we ran off together, and cried our hearts out. And how you'd always be there for me, waiting, when I had nobody to turn to, especially throughout this year. It just wasn't fair that you are so out of reach. I need you to understand more than you would ever know


Also, wanlin you bitch we have been through so much since sec 1 man I barely recognize ourselves. We've changed even more over the course of these 3 years. I already typed most of what I have to say on your birthday post, but I really can't thank you enough for all you have done and for all of the times you've been a friend to me. Be that same strong girl i have had by my side for three years and carry on with life the way you have, with me.
Well moving on once more, here's another mental complication brought upon by myself. I kind of already dedicated a hopefully discreet post to you. I'm at such a loss for words right now I have to refer to my previously written resources to find the right words to say. What I feel for you reminds me so much of that situation with her last year and I find it so coincidentally amusing that you both have so much in common. Perhaps it's just something about people with those factors that really draws me in. Anyway, I had no idea what sort of person you were like, so I asked a close friend who knew you enough then I um read your blog and pretty much made up my mind that you were something different. I didn't know what I was trying to do back then; it wasn't as though I expected anything from it. Perhaps I was just really excited that I was feeling something, anything. I am sorry, I didn't know what I was doing but thank god I did not fuck things up the way I did last year.





Shit lol the last pic
Last but definitely not least!!!!!!!! Thank god I don't have to mess with identities and names here because smelly girl haaahaha despite what you think about yourself, I can swear that you are the most secure friend I have in my life. I think we got close only somewhere towards the end of last year, but this year was really enough. All those toilet dates where we would camp in our toilet for uh minutes and you would give me therapy because I was always stressed out of my wits. There was also that evening in London when we two went to get dinner for edwina but I ended up ranting for hours and poor girl fell asleep before we came back with her food hahaha sigh. Thank you for never losing faith in me despite my perpetual mopiness and angst, and for the countless study dates where we step the laziness out of each other because of our mutual inspiration; i don't wanna mention it here because i am still too ashamed to admit it to myself, let alone everyone. But believe it or not, that's still my dream and i am willing to give it my all from tomorrow onwards, just so I can ride life straight to perfect laughter. I remember when I asked you to promise to slap me if i showed any signs of breaking down before or after any paper.. You've been there for me so many times, most of them probably unknowingly and I hate being cheesy and all romantic because awkward because its you............but i love you and you are my very lazy biste rock that needs deodorant cuz smelissa. ps. i didnt upload your spectacular pictures you love me
I'm aware that I left out many things, but there are too many people who made this year worth living through and you guys know who you are. I can't possibly express how thankful I am to all of you. Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. But that's that, my year is over. It definitely wasn't the best, but it sure made the biggest difference.
Ps. There was so much to consider and rethink throughout the process of doing this post, which took  me 3 hours.