I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglees in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, where ever you go

Ps. I don't know what to say. I don't think I could possibly ever find the right words to express how I feel. Thank you anyway. :)

And here goes an extra dose of thanks floppin out to sorf and lid for today :)

'You give me feelings that I adore'





I unshrunk by 1cm and I am not too certain about my weight but nonetheless today was certainly one of my good days~~~~~ Was so very shamelessly happy today despite not getting a chance to------ ;A;
Song of the week: justin bieber- fall <3333 (thank you lid for playing a part in the induction of my feels)
On a side note I am also really happy because I managed to get eye mo and my tranx (finally) today and thxxxx renee<<<334 for the eyedrops and helping me put on my blouse without destroying anything

Ps. Talking to alicia never fails to make a good day an even better one





You play an unbelievable part in my life right now. You are what's keeping me rooted to the ground at this moment; what's keeping me sane. Of course it's absurd and of course I can't and probably won't ever let you know just how important you are. Forget air and water. You are all I need at this very moment. Thank you for being the cranberry infusion to my elderflower tea.

Was just lying on the floor, thinking a tad more than usual and then I started lucid dreaming for the third time in my life. I dreamt that I had hung myself... It was all so vivid and so real all the way up to my own funeral with a framed old photograph my mother had picked out for me. Then I snapped out of it and started crying because I realised I had hurt everyone else.


If you're going to go down for a smoke then why not just say that you are? Rather than beating about the fucking bush and putting up a façade of collecting your god damned bottle because you 'left it downstairs' and acting all frustrated; I can see through your shit acting like I can a sheet of glass.

If you had any fucking sense you'd sure as hell know so much better than to ask me why I keep the secrets I do from a colossal fucker like you.



So i was scrolling and reading..... Reading.... Reading. And i REALISED HOW ducking dePRESSING ALL MY POSTS ARE omg im sorry you all or idk do people even read them AM I TOO MOPEY i think i am


o shittttis going down
:)))))))) :))) :::DDdd ;:) =DDdd :PPP ;;)))) ;;D =)))))) ;P
Just some smileys to make this a happier and more magical place

There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over - and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.

I hate feeling as needy as I am now; I just cannot stand the thought of having to stay away, once you get tired of me.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I have to run away. Nothing has been particularly wrong lately, at least not wrong enough for me to be feeling the way I am. It's as though the black is tugging at me, and I am merely granting it the permission it requires to engulf me.




Ps. Happy 24th my fishes; Sarah, Sharifah, Lidiya and Sorfina. I love you all so much it hurts.

What is wrong with me. What the fuck is going on inside my head.

Currently attached to my favourite people in the world




They make me so happy and I can't ever find the words to say how much they have actually helped me, especially after everything I've given up... and lost. So thankful for them <3 It's a wonderful feeling, always knowing that somebody's got your back and that you never have to be alone. So many memories..... And feels o but FEELS for everything sigh I love them ok bye




lol




Divian and sonia's visit today really made me think of what shawn and I went through during STC. All that pressure and stress, he had considerable experience whereas I was just... 'sabo'ed in a way. But no regrets. It was a worthwhile experience through and through, I miss everything so much it aches. Didn't get a chance to ask about what I wanted to today.


Feeling like I'm living in a dream right now. Was exhausted finding my way through the crowd when I thought I heard somebody calling my name... but I could hardly focus on anything within a 5m radius because my eyesight was horriballz. Well I did spot wei ern and got to catch up with her for a little while. It was nice... I realised how much I missed her along with everyone and everything
else. Things have been very different.


Why am I so tired? I don't think it's a lack of sleep, I'm sure others have it much worse than me and if they can make it, I'm more than capable. Okay chop chop time to fill up and send in the form then get my ass right back to reality; study session with mel was nowhere near enough

All of a sudden I wish I were a tiny person. I want to hide away from the world inconspicuously; I want to cling onto the arm of a greater someone who I'd trust with my life. I want to be able to curl up, or just scream my lungs out in the middle of a street without anyone holding me back and whispering hushed words, casting looks around, engulfed in their embarassment for me. Nobody would give a shit.


I need to caress Jennifer Lawrence's cheeks???



It breaks my heart the most when, somebody so happy and simply... lovely, gets hurt like that. Everything will be fine dear, have faith. Things as such happen, but life goes on because that's the way it is. We just have to catch up with it. You are literally the sweetest person I know and I really hate seeing you so... Upset.



Today has just been another day, with an additional worry that none of us qualify for... it. We need it so badly, we are falling. Failing.
It has been raining so much. The gloominess makes me want to cry forever until the sun explodes among the stars





dat kitty



What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's me... It's happened several times now with all sorts of people. Why can't I ever let go... of grudges. It's tiring and I can't afford to tire myself out further. I am just so fucking sensitive to everything around me and I end up taking whatever shit so personally I find myself crying every now and then when something like this happens.... But no
Fuck it whatever I am wasting my own time right now


I began to draw an invisible boundary between myself and other people. No matter who I was dealing with. I maintained a set distance, carefully monitoring the person’s attitude so that they wouldn’t get any closer. I didn’t easily swallow what other people told me. My only passions were books and music.

Crying so fucking much my head hurts. I am trying, not for you or anyone else but because I want it so badly for myself. I don't want this. I don't want your 'help', because it isn't helping me. You don't want to listen, and you say all that because you don't understand. Because I fail to make myself coherent, heard. You are stressing me out more than anything else is.

I will make it.

I don't know what you were thinking. I thought you had some sense in you. Or at least I thought that you actually gave enough of a shit to know how I would feel about that. Sometimes your nonchalance really makes me so sick.

Speaking of sick, that's definitely something I have had enough of for a day. My appetite has taken a really steep turn for the worse and I can literally hardly stand the sight of food now. So much has been happening these two weeks and I repeat that for the upteempth time OMG i just..... Why do I do this to myself.

I'd also love to thank my dearest fishes for being fucking lovely fishes (23rd 23rd 23rd) and for another lovely day featuring study attempts with part athena (alicia i love u bby)





Ok it is 10.30pm i am still on the way home in my uniform after a BBQ cum Long Beach dinner what is a chem diagnostic?????? Lol

Ps. Homophobes closer to me than I could have hoped for




this is week 2 aka week of WORST DECISIONS EVER srsly i will chop my own head off before anybody kills me i justbye

What the fuck was i playing at? I am so mad at myself it hurts... I ruined the entire day for myself.


I promised myself I would never let myself do what I did back then but fuck i messed up. This is not what you deserve from anyone, especially not from somebody like me... I'm just at such a loss right now and I am so tired of crying over the stupidest things because I am supposed to be past that. Too much has been happening these two days but I can't let myself be all overwhelmed just like that.


For god's sake, the year has barely started. And I am ever thankful for my baby wanlin.

This is getting out of hand. I still remember the first time I cared. We were barely sec 2. Perhaps it was a chain of events following that which eventually led to the build up of this colossal mess. I am so sorry to have ever gotten you into this blackhole you seem to find yourself in. I refuse to let this go on, I should have put a solid foot down long ago, but I was afraid. I still am. I am afraid of what you might do to yourself, how much hurt you are willing to inflict upon yourself for... This.

I am terrible for you. I wouldn't even dare describe myself as a drug because I am far more hideous than that. I destroy you, and I beg for you to accept this form of help; the only kind which I am resorting to forcing upon you. I am so sorry. There is too much to be genuinely apologetic for.
Please let yourself be left alone, it's something you must do.







Made it on time to RI with mel after a typical saturday of rushing from place to place




From nat dat poor gurl and her mum~~~



I lost half my collection and my heart aches











Tis lidiya's but I MUZ POST COZ LOVE :'( <3 <3 <3



She's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep comin' back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for










I am in my own world, the kind where visitors are pelted with poison arrows every time they try to break in. I promise I am trying to help myself. I don't want to be caged in that cold room, hidden from the world within those four blue walls, having to pour my heart and soul out to someone I never met before.


You break my heart. You don't know how I feel, the way I think, how much it hurts, how I have no one to turn to. I am sorry that you feel that way and believe the things you do, and I don't feel like I have the strength to change all that isn't the truth just yet.

You don't know how much you kill me on the inside, saying the things you do. You probably won't ever know anyway. I can tell you anything and everything about myself, but you never fail to come up with a counter to justify how fucking perfect you are and this family is. I wish I could call you delusional but you are just crazy.

Anyway, today has gone way up the happy spectrum. Softball, then two basketball sessions, our first parade of the last year, and of course, you.

Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realised I was thinking of you. I can't concentrate on anything. You make me so happy, yet... There are always two sides to situations like this. I should know best.

IN other extremely unrelated upsetting news: Chinese Os.
I have decided to move on with that goal etched clear as ever in my head.
What else could I have done?


This week has been exhausting. It's not even coming to an end. Results day tomorrow, I just hope I surprise myself.

It is only day two of week one and I am on the verge of Math suicide

Fuck I am so tired. I have had an hour of sleep since one night ago. The pile of to-do-shit is literally piling and piling while I am overwhelmed by my inability to help myself once more. I have no one to blame but myself, for letting things get this out of hand again.

An ideal getaway does not necessarily have to be a vacation to the fancy land of candy, nor a loud trashy party with your friends. It could be as simple as a good book with a cup of London's Finest Tea  on a sunny day. Personally, I have more than one ideal getaway. A road trip in New Zealand during the summer; lying in bed, home on the morning of a weekday; sitting in a chilled corner of the regional library, reading my favourite book. As Maria from The Sound of Music would sing in her bird-like voice, "these are a few of my favourite things".

In New Zealand, what appeals to me more than the picturesque scenery found literally nearly everywhere has to be the people. I daresay the Kiwis and their lifestyle are as different from Singaporeans as can be. They live in a relaxed, slow paced society, facing barely any form of competition from their peers. The Kiwis are also the most friendly and good natured bunch of people I have met, with their ability to kick start hearty conversations with mere strangers. People like this along with several other contributing factors make New Zealand one of my ideal getaways as they fill one with social warmth and love that we seem to be starved of locally. One of those other contributing factors has to be the phenomenal scenery as earlier mentioned. From the vast grey mountains to the open seas of clear, rich saltwater, it is impossible to not be compelled and completely overwhelmed by the magic of nature. The infinite beauty and strength of the nature there have a certain soothing effect on you.

Home. The first place that comes to mind when you need a refuge, the number one source of comfort. When you lie in bed, you are able to revel in the fact that you are finally resting after an entire day of dealing with the reality of your life. It is the only place where one can fully let go and be themselves without a care in the world. Home is where you are free from nearly all forms of mental stress and pressure, and where you are in a perfect position to confide and reflect on your own life. It is the ideal getaway because you have nothing to run from when you are home.

Last but definitely not least, my ideal getaway would be to a well-stocked library, queer as it may seem. Any library can feel like wonderland to me, because I believe that books are like the diamonds of words with an added dose of a vast imagination. Books are also the perfect escape from reality for anybody who needs it, and some are powerful enough to evoke aspirations and hope in readers through means of creation. A sense of isolation is also induced by the air of silence and the chilliness of the air-conditioning. That isolation is a gift, even for a day. Especially when you have seen and experienced more than what is tolerable, you want nothing more than to shut the world out, that's undeniably what makes the library the ideal and most simplistic getaway.

To sum it all up, what makes these three getaways as ideal as they really are is how they are different as can be from the reality of the world. The scenery and people of New Zealand are practically what defines nature and the beauty of it, present in the hearts of the Kiwi; without the reassurance and comfort of home, there would hardly be anything keeping me going; books and isolation on a typical overwhelming day can serve one just as well as therapy will ever do for the soul.

//

Okay there it is. What I stayed up the past two hours for and probably also a factor why I am probably not going to sleep tonight. I should really resort to writing essays in the dead of the night more often. Well, I hope mrs foo is happy and I can safely say she does not deserve this from me.
So I came across this (and a whole pile of the weird) while clearing stuff


Bye back to work because TARGETs AND i cannot sayyYYY




The caribena is a lovely shade of mint green I am absolutely in love with this year's CCA day souvenirs (our own lol) It was a total surprising success and I just felt so happy.






My happy hit the top when I got to spend the rest of the day with people too amazinga for their own good


Thank you lovely. It's green.

Ps. Big embarassing boo boo today while i was walking out i am sorry i did not do it on purpose i swear!!! She was just behind you i didnt realise ok whatEVER BEY

This is too much ah. Come on. I've had enough drama for a day. Really really more than enough. You're all the same; that bitch you all love to hate and all of you fucking angels. I don't know what kind of cheap thrill people like you find in inflicting shit like this upon others. I am fucking tired. I don't need another headache along with two fucking math papers that will probably take me an all-nighter despite 3h of sleep last night.
Limitless admiration for their zest in every one of their performances. Their live performances have kept me going in my darkest hours, a few times now. I wish so badly that they could make more music, but I guess even the Gods have their limits. Thank you, for melting those icicles with the flame of your passion. Keep it burning brighter than the stars.
Hey you, fucker whose spit I have all over my arms after that bout of very one-sided shouting. You have your secrets, I have mine. I respect you enough not to pry into your business, despite it stinging like a fucking knife every time I notice the fucking stink of burnt cigarettes all over your fingers and shirt. I know you meant what you said because that's really what you believe has been going on. I'm telling you you're wrong, and simultaneously fucking begging that you take those words back before you inflict any further damage on this fucked up excuse for a family. You ruin me like no other.

Stress is what keeps me going the way I have. I don't know what to make of this but it certainly is my reality. Stress of not doing well; of not being able to cope; of losing my social life again; of not having a healthy mind... The list goes on. I worry too much, even about the things way beyond my control. Yet the stress, worry, and that kind of pain have been pushing me on since last year, and I feel myself losing it now of all times... No. I can't do this to myself, not after everything I've been through. I'll do whatever it takes to get back on that road. I'll punish myself if I have to.

There you go again.
She was always easy to read.  I guess you could say she was like a book — a book that incinerates the eyes; the mind; the heart.  Her smile of fire was more than I ever bargained for.  Her script was written on parchment, a flammable memoir of the life she once endured.  It was written with a radiograph pen with a refillable reservoir — no matter when it went empty, she would fill it with something new; something over-the-top; something that satisfied her, only her.  She would spill Spring onto scrolls, Fall onto index cards, Winter onto moleskin.  Still, though, she burned like Summer.  Like I said, she was easy to read.  She was a book; a book of matches.

Juz spending the first mornight of 2013......drunk. On 3 beers
Cheers to the new year everyone heres the BEFORE pic




No i dont have an after picture LOZL


// sorry about that last night, here's a little something for everybody:

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. Don't ever resort to living with regrets, because that is no life; it's a half-life.