R&J today was so good. Started out sniffing and tearing, and ended it off with hardcore sobbing. Thank god for the 3 others next to me, everyone else refused to cry or die with me.
















Somewhere sometime after that, I couldn't take it. I'm still not entirely sure about what exactly was going on in my head at that moment, but I ran. Ran and ran for about 5 minutes and somehow ended up at Bugis MRT and then Tampines. After awhile I realised that, throughout that period of about 30 minutes, my head had been absolutely empty. For a moment I was so doubtful about myself I had to check my messages to recall everything. I was just walking walking walking and walking all over Tampines. From the MRT, to my Grandma's, back to the MRT, the circumference of all three malls. Like I am doing right now, circled Eastpoint 2 and a half times, trying to make sense of things. I guess I think better when I walk, sometimes I just feel crazy.
Walking and walking at Tampines, the next thing I knew:
I had a new piercing
I spent all my money
I ignored a little kid
I was exploding from eating (still am)
I made friends with two Mats
My mouth was parched
I felt horrible
All this, so I ran again. Back to the MRT, took it to Simei, here I am. Still waiting.
'Coherence', something I'd like to achieve sometime soon. Right now when I attempt to speak my thoughts, all I hear are others' thoughts and words, paraphrased. Am I lazy? Too tired to think and make my feelings coherent? Maybe that's why it never fails to exhilirate me when somebody else confesses that they have been experiencing something that has been bothering me for awhile. When they confess, they have the intention of making themselves heard, but are in fact 'this close' to saving me from losing myself; making those feelings and thoughts coherent to me.
God damn it whoever knew thinking and phrasing could get this darn exhausting. All this discretion is getting really stupid. Use my blog against me for all I care because I just want to remember.
Ps. If that's what you say you are, and you want everybody to believe you, well... Fucking act like it.


I am itching itching itching to do too much -
pack my room
design my room
download songs
organize my songs
get another bottle of frap
get waffles
write in my diary today
talk to her her her and her
restring my guitar
remember how to play the guitar
play my piano exam pieces
finish learning fix you
learn yellow
learn lover dearest
get more shelves
get dream catchers
get more lanyards
repaint my nails
design the notebook
stress about my skirts
stress about girls
stress about my ankle
fix my ankle
massage my killer thighs
reply a gazillion letters
do birthday cards
get birthday presents
explain why i do things to people
unhurt people
love people
broaden my musical horizons
revise A Math
teach myself A Math
revise E Math
teach myself E Math
revise SS
revise Bio
Learn chem FOR GOD'S SAKE
Settle piano + tuition timings
Make it in time for R&J
Set goals for Athena
Tuition hw
Math hw
Overdue math hw
More overdue math hw
Chinese hw
Chem hw
keep cool
dont be lazy
keep the perfectionism to a minimum
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
keep my friends
make them happy
be there for friends
text my dad since he's alone
be there for my mum
slap my brother in his 5 year old mentality ass face
explain
explain
explain
hide from prying eyes
read 7 books on my waiting list
spend time with athena
be a responsible head
be there for my dept
don't give up on np
be the best I/C athena could have had
be a responsible I/C
don't push friends away
clear my head
so much more to say
sit down
think
focus
concentrate
right now
don't give up










I miss how I used to love this song so much and how it was my blog song in primary 3. I pretty much psychoed half my friends into loving it as much as I did.
Here's the chorus:
And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
Nothing special or unique, really just cliché old lovey lyrics but the tune really had something to it. I swear it calmed me down like nothing else did back then. Now its just meh meh Coldplay and it used to be The Script and The Fray last year but they started hurting my ears so I moved on.




Today was really disappointing. Five items during PE, deproved by 5 sit-ups but still ok lah no moping over that and shall settle with 52. Really just missing A for SBJ by one cm and bloody disappointing pull-ups. 2.4km was asdfghjkl really a wake up call for me to start noticing what a bad shape I'm currently in and I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT. Deproved up to 11.55 and motivation... omg. Just couldn't find that same drive. Perhaps it was just the mood. I was in a bad mopey mood today. Its angst and happiness that drives me on to run, not mopiness. Ankle was popping and there was some troublesome stuck-bubble sharp pain in my knee the entire day too. Not to mention the soggy feet and wet track and complete LACK OF MOTIVATION. Okay to put it simply I just let myself down.







Realised why this book appeals to me, reminds me of the little men & little miss series.
I think I really am just a lost soul. I don't know how to describe whatever it is I feel anymore, and neither do I see the point in trying to. There's nothing going majorly wrong in my life at this moment, not for me to feel this absolutely fucked up. Its really just me WHATEVER LAH I DONT WANT TO BE ANGSTY ANYMORE I WANT TO RUN I WANT MY ANKLE TO HEAL I want to know what the hell I am to you before whatever WHATEVER i don't want to feel this pathetic I WANT
Got another two new skirts ha ha was bursting out of my previous two 26 ones after weeks of food and stress and Koh and Foo and Fern so ya measures had to be taken. Have to get started on so many books. my thoughts are so disorganized though I think everybody can infer from the posts.
I feel like I should blog about POP. I don't know how to though. I'm sorry I can't feel anything, I guess. Really happy about Jaslyn and there were so many people watching. Though I had to muster all my love for good impressions to Not. Laugh.
I wonder what people think when they see me. Probably betting if I'm a guy or girl lol.




















I thought I had alot to say, that was why I started writing anyway.


Didn't have such a bad time yesterday, LJ was interesting and we came in first though I was really a confused wreck the whole time.

Have got to stop deleting my Echofon or my contacts on impulse. Running from everything is a very temperamental solution to all my problems. I have to face them already, one-by-one. I don't know how to though, when they all come bundled up together and thrust right into my face leaving me with barely any time to anticipate them. There's nothing much I can do about everything right now so why not start small:
#1 Zuowen
#2 Chem worksheets
#3 Start teaching myself math
#4 POP
Before that, I think I may need a cup of coffee. Or several.

Oh oh oh i've been working on my honesty for quite some time already don't ask about the results though


Big mistake in school today, I just wish I won't ever have to go through that again. Everybody's suffocating me, I'm sorry but I need breathing space so badly. I don't know how to calm down. How to remove all these layers. How to focus for god's sake. I just want to be able to sit down, study, and do so well this time round.
Games parade was absolutely amazing. Things are changing. They have been for awhile already. But it's okay.

Suffering in silence is the way to go bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!











I still can't be sure if all this - whatever we're putting all of ourselves through this week and the past many - will turn out to be worth anything more than mere self-satisfaction on our part. We want to make them proud. We want to make ourselves proud, we want to change them/us/the world. Yet, I don't see why we deserve the opportunity in the first place. Its really just competition everywhere and its not a matter of whether you're a part of it, because you get affected by it anyway. It can get really suffocating. Once again, I doubt the worth of all this strain we're putting ourselves and our relationships under. If we snap, we can't turn back, but I sure am certain we are in no place to give up.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE ITS MY BIRTHDAY??? Nice surprise in the morning, I can't remember how I spent my recess though I do remember Athena and a lack of direction. Interview during lunch went okay, then yeah sweetness overload from the friends, which is where the brownie cake and Renee and sweetness and 3N and everyone else came in. I really appreciate my friends' constant efforts to make me feel better when I barely have an inkling to what actually does makes me happy. Maybe you do.

Had a nice piss off of a time with Athena entertaining bossy teachers but ok had a nice time with sorf bren and sarah afterwards. It was a good day. Day, not night lol when is it ever a good night.

From those who made my day.


More and overdued love still pending.


Sweethearts.



Forget what I said last night, today couldn't have been any more amazing and I honestly owe so much to so many people right now. Really, thank you all. It's been a messy painful year but still, a good ride.

Ps. We're not ready for this. Tomorrow? 8 days?

Its unbelievable how much lower I've stooped since the year started. Sighing has become my norm.

These few days have been really interesting, just got back from running everywhere, and I don't even know why I deserve this brownie here. Spent the afternoon soaking firewood then spent time with Sorfina..... stuck back stage.

Artist: John Mayer
Song: Stop This Train

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

(think I got 'em now)

I feel like people are misinterpreting these lyrics. I always thought it was referring to how quickly life goes by and the horrible feel of an imminent passing. Moving forward in the world is a scary thing. But eventually you come to accept it.

I have never felt as indifferent about the fact that its my birthday tomorrow as I do now. I keep having to remind myself that its supposed to be something to look forward to.

Ps. Hurry get well lovely bitch.

It gets really tiring, choosing between so many things, and having none of them work out for good. Not for me, at least. Sometimes you just have got to know when to give up on life.

It was an eventful Easter weekend.
I think you really deserve to be happy, and I think I might want to make an effort to help you achieve that happiness.

Beach road yesterday with the chels and jen was interesting and interesting conversations occured with interesting tangyuans interesting lemons and aweinteresting glowy boards. Today was really good to some extent too and the next two days may just be amazing. Now would be the time to get my hopes up, if ever.
Remember when you genuinely believed your parents were the most beautiful, most perfect people you'd ever get the fortune to meet?
Remember when you were determined to marry some dude as hilariously perfect as your own father, as modernly gorgeous as your own mother?
Remember when you'd cry yourself to sleep every night, when Mummy forgets to tuck you in after an incessantly hectic day, and you were convinced that she no longer loved you?
Remember when Auntie would pick you up everyday after school? Waiting there at the main gate with the other maids knowing that right afterwards she'd get accused of stealing several Fifty Dollar notes from Mummy's wallet, false or not, we's never know.
Remember when you'd sneak out of school during ever guzheng or netball break, with your mates, off to the minimart for squeezy lemoney delights?
Remember when a slight slip of 'shut up' or 'stupid' would get you two tight slaps right across your face, and you'd 'sabo' your siblings because of your distaste for their very faces?
Remember when your elder brother first taught you the 'F' word, and your maid joined in, rather than spanking his ass naked?
Remember when your elder brother first reported to you when he saw the outline of his crush's bra through her translucent yellow PE tee?
Remember when you and your brother were close as anything, despite the unrelenting hatred never to be ceased between the both of you?
Remember when you watched Totally Spies?
Hell, I can go on forever. I guess missing life won't do much now, will it?

Highlight of the A-Okay day: Boiling alcohol (Ethanol) with Shakila during bio prac because we are fearless or just idiots.

Ps. Fuck yeah my father is giving me his 32Gb iPhone because my 16Gb has resulted in a really inconvenient bout of hair loss in my case.
It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

Maybe I'm crazy but to me, laughing makes everything okay. Laugh. Just laugh. Laugh without a god damned care in the world, while you can. People will stare, judge you in the silence of their minds or behind phone calls and text messages, bitch about you even. They don't even have to know your name, they'll be capable of all sorts of treachery. Just laugh, because crying is no longer an option when there is all the attention in the world and more out there, waiting to be seeked for, to criticize the weak ones.