It's getting on my nerves but who am I to judge, right? Well firstly that night really hurt like a bloody bitch. Not something I'm likely to forget so soon; walking all over with my head throbbing then breaking down on a fucking bus and missing my stop. I was aching so badly by the time I got home and it was nearly 9. Plus that day had been one of the shittiest this year and I had just needed someone to turn to. But of course you had no idea about all that and I tried not to blame you because I really didn't want to ruin your time together. I didn't want to ruin this friendship. I hate being this person that I am right now... I just feel so angry and bad and all that negative adjective shit. All this hurtful shit is getting to my head and my judgement's been clouded for years already... Of all people. I probably come across as a prejudiced little bitch but you don't know what she and her friends put me through back then. Whatever. It's your life. I just wish you'd be a little more considerate rather than desperate because it hurts like a bitch. I'm washing my hands off this, but not off you because you are still my friend and no matter how shit you've been making me feel I still undeniably care about you


So much drama going on all around me right now I just wish I could shut myself into a little cave and hide away from this fucking cold selfish world. I don't even know what you're playing at now. You made it so clear you stopped giving a shit so why start again? Haven't you been hurt enough?? My conscience is not a toy and neither are your feelings.


(missing trex all over again cos tea rex wants tea)

I hardly am one to hate but one thing I really hate is being indirect.... Yet I don't see an alternative. I really don't know what else to do. Perhaps I am a coward, but I just refuse to risk anymore relationships. All my past relationships with anyone at all have been far too fragile to survive my harsh truth. I don't want to depend on anyone.


God all I've felt like doing is cryyyyyyyYy even as I went up to get those medals today I could feel it all rising in my chest. Thank god she was there to keep me under control this afternoon. Plus that slight bit of catching up with sarah earlier this evening really made things several shades brighter <3 definitely one of the best parts of 2012 I miss dearly
I don't think I've felt as shitty as this since last year but I am going to continue convincing myself that I am more than capable of conquering this shit because people are finite and people problems are no problemo. Pushing it all away

Shameless with my favourite little bitch














Got drenched again after that long break ah well never expected the weather to hold for long. It was good while it lasted anyway.

Stop treating me as though I am fifty times more fragile than I was just yesterday. One thing I sure as hell am not ready to cope with is even more change. Especially from people like you. You make me so sick.

Hmm alot to do tonight.

Just because of my carelessness. That haunted look in her eyes; it was almost as though someone had died, when she realised that things weren't half as ok as I made them out to be. I think she had guessed as much from the start. I just hate the fact that she might be wallowing in self pity and crying her night away tonight. How awkward things would be in the morning... I'd really much rather nobody cared. I know, it's beyond selfish of me to be this way but really, things would be much easier. For everyone. That's simply being fair, isn't it. I refuse help, so I deal with my problems. Anyway, I doubt I can ever forget what he said to me tonight. I guess the worst part of this night really is that I literally have nobody to turn to, because nobody even knows. But no. Numbers are merely an added bonus. Still, I can't help but wish I had you by my side. A hug from you would be the most pleasant thing I can hope for. Perhaps not the most, but huh.


No time for tears. It's my life and I will face the consequences of the decisions I have made. Gonna have to start dealing with things in the morning.

Anyway, great evening spent with jan. For now: amath.

Was watching videos of all the different comps and nearly fell off my seat watching mafia's pitch sobs could hear whoever screaming chels' name throughout and then drill comp and I thought I would combust when I came across the 2011 fdc routine. Shit man so bloody many memories I don't know whether to laugh or cry hurrrrrr remember when you'd talk to me every single day right after your training and we'd talk and talk and talk about nothing in particular, and you were quite a bitch about /cough/ too ahhhh ok enough i am off TIS TOO MUCH bye flap flapppzpzps

Ps. Shitttt just came across the dead shit fb group and COMBUSTION AT MAX POINT RN COS TREX VIDEOS and pics ;A;

Why am I even so determined to do everything all by myself. This is getting nowhere but I'm trying I am really trying. I'm going to tutor and push myself all the way, no matter what it takes for me to pass. Come on Anita


I don't like what you can do to me. Or rather, what I allow you to do to me. It's really pathetic and I felt way terrible when you said what you did earlier. You should really just leave me for good


And because andes (pardon the face) thank you sha <3 <3




Been waiting quite awhile for an opportunity to take a full pic of all of us in our own uniforms ahhh all so grown up (and cute)




















Perfect end to a (should have been) perfect day with my fishes. Once again, happy 17th birthday dearest lid, really hope we made your day <3

Just got home and not in the best of moods right now. Arms are starting to ache from lugging all that shit around and today hasn't been a good day. Not putting much faith into tomorrow either. In no state right now for tomorrow's run; really not looking forward to letting myself down. I want to make this count...

Really tired I think I just gotta crash

I feel like i've let her down, unconsciously. I guess I really didn't realise what I was doing this whole time. I thought I was helping someone.... Rather than leading another to her (yet to be known) downfall


On a side note, forcing smiles to last an entire day has got to be one of the hardest things ever. I don't have a choice now do I... One bout of depression only leads to another. I seriously beat myself at this losing game.


Sng jian ming

Ps. So fucking drained....




(pretty pics i spammed celine with today after i realsied how big my room actually is......after several years lol)








Yesterday sure wasn't the best day ever (for no particular reason) and I resorted to breaking down on a public bus because I just......couldn't anymore zzz probably the crazy lack of sleep from the night before but whatever it is I'm glad that today was (sort of) an improvement. I've been too bloody tired lately, partly due to all the mad running sessions and other factors I just can't quite put my finger to.


The HD wallpapers i found are so pretty im actually keeping all of them


Hurrr adam khoo today was.... (I admit) a waste of time. For me at least. They should have made the damn thing optional sigh come on.... This is the 6th time i've tried allowing myself to get trained by such external people who I am on no personal terms with but i just do not see myself getting anywhere??? I just cant....hmmm or perhaps i am simply unwilling to change the way things are. Unconsciously. Any sense i make?? No ok bye time to pull half an all nighter cos i have wasted too much time


Happy 17th lidiya :)


I've penned most of what I want to say down on paper, but thank you for everything and for being a part of my biggest reason to smile recently. Thank you for being who you are. Keep doing what you love and you will make it further in life than anyone who has ever doubted you :') Love you

had another one of our food for thought deepshit convos with biste. specifically about happiness and people philosophy and ourselves. i never really understood why people (myself included) have always found it so hard to be themselves. i know about the whole simplified 'society is fucked' shit that goes around man been there done that but really there's a whole lot more to it. you may be able to find yourself again and once you manage to grasp on to 'you', your fingers will slip away almost immediately. well that is, unless you're a lucky bastard who has all sorts of the right people around you to help keep a firm hold onto your 'self' for you, and accept you for who you've become. but otherwise... welcome to reality. i have not resigned to fate. i believe there is a world worth living for out there, and I am willing to wait for it. we are young.....? hmm I feel 56 at the moment

i am young and on a side note it's past 2am and i am doing myself no good because maths test...

I think I inevitably am a pathological liar. I don't even do it on purpose anymore it's as though such lies come more naturally than the truth itself. I have been lying to everyone. Lying to myself. What's new. I don't want to face reality...(again what's new) I've been so distracted lately, from everything, myself studies reality and all. I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. Who the hell am I lying to lol myself??? Probably since that's about the only person I've been having conversations with lately.


You were a more of an escape for me than anything else. An escape from myself, because I was so tired of feeling the way I was. Right now I don't even think I can grasp onto (the thought of) you any longer because you've gotten me so worried, and sadder than anything, after today. I don't think I can talk to you at all... I'm sorry. This isn't right. I should be feeling so happy...blissful rather than all insecure and weak like this. I hate this. I hate how much I desperately need you at this moment, I hate feeling needy more than anything else in the world.


I thought I beat this for good. I really believed that for awhile, until the people around me started getting selfish, or perhaps it was just me being an oversensitive brat. Whatever it was, it made me realise that this is my reality. I am running from nothing but everything, because I already am living in the reality of my life. I was aware this entire time that the supposed 'happiness' felt so surreal. I was certain it wouldn't last. I was even almost coherent for awhile. Almost. Barriers... Forever barriers. I don't even know what for anymore.

I don't even..... no idea where all that came from lol what am I doing I have a test tomorrow don't I

Lol






(Sorry for the terrible quality because its stolen) Congratulations Cedar NCC for making it to the finals + becoming DISTRICT CHAMPS! I cannot think of anyone else who deserves this more seriously so proud of you all! Especially you, harisa :) You have all trained so hard and I'm sure it all paid off today. Looking forward to supporting you guys again during the finals, officially your biggest fan! Totally worth all my awkward npcc turtling in the midst of everyone else. Right before cedar's then and then the moment when we were anticipating the results all brought back so many comp feels I thought I would drown in them. I miss CC so much man I miss trex so much it hurts. Been having so many nostalgic feels lately it really sucks.


Also realised that their HQ really reminded me of the campsite back at Ubin and I felt so comfortable and... At home over there. Loved the atmosphere. Thank you alamelu and sabrina for the free tour (and saving me from my pathetic entertaining-sec1s plight)

Anyway I am really so glad I came today for more reasons than I can say. Thank you for um how do I put this... not holding a grudge against me for what I did. And for being all warm and friendly towards me today, rather than giving me the cold awkward front I'd have dreaded if I knew I was going to see you. It's odd... But i'm glad nonetheless. Just going to let things play out and see how it goes.

Ps. Ankle and shin split acting up again tis not the timeee










So nervous for them right now ahhh I am not accustomed to this but I know they'll do their best and everyone will be behind them all the way. Heading to yck tomorrow morning and I know I won't be disappointed <3

Reminds me so much of two years back MAN IT'S BEEN almost TWO WHOLE YEARS since that conversation with you right after your finals. Right before my birthday. How things have changed man. The past is the past and as I've promised myself earlier today, I am to eliminate as much negative as possible from now on.

Today was a terrible day, but I am not about to dwell into it. I am determined to forget everything that has made me doubt myself. I am determined to stop over thinking; assuming.


Thank you my dear :) I really have so much to thank you for. I will dedicate that picture (of yourself) to you because I agree that you really do look so lovely there




I miss these people so much... Rachel and ed.


Well, what a day to be put into words.







I can assure you that I did nothing on purpose. I guess I was too tired to deal and care about everything around me, and manage my own feelings at the same time. I am just appalled by what kind of day today has been. I wouldn't place it on any extreme ends of my personal happy angst scale but it was certainly something.


An extremely sloppy sleepy slippy morning; gifts; more gifts; english TAs and mindblocks; loveliest cupcakes; 4S lepak; parade. Hands down worst parade since we've taken over. Well in my opinion at least.



In a way I am just really glad that I am feeling things once again. Feelings, that's what today's supposed to be all about anyway isn't it? 感, just as laoshi was talking about earlier. It's been a great last valentines day here.

Just got home from some last minute valentine's day shopping and I am dead beat so let the pictures do the talking


COURTESY OF SORFINA
































Obligations and uh sensitivity





Pardon my skirt ITS NOT WHAT U THINK





my face = result of a 3.2km run under the sun with chels and alicia WHICH WAS TERRIBLE


So much love you guys. Absolutely looking forward to tomorrow.