Drip drip drip go Anita's teardrops














Look guys it's Mercutio from R&J ------->





The last picture has got nothing to do with today, aside from the fact that I finally got to see and TALK TO HIM AGAIN today why why why you do you not see that it is crucial you come back whYYYYYYYYyyyYyYyYyYyYy


Intriguing Boomventure it's been, the past few days.





"I'm not a human. I'm a piece of machinery. I don't need to feel a thing. Just forge on ahead."
I think that was part of whatever mindset I was having at a point of time, that kept me going this March. Many things have occured since, many things changed. Still, I enjoy reading books that are relative to a certain extent, some still get way too close for comfort. Reading about running itself can get unbearably exhausting, perhaps that fact alone is why I seem to be taking forever to completely drink in these 173 pages, more filling than several cups of London Earl Grey. Who knows, soon enough 'Haruki Murakami Running' moments would start to co-exist alongside all of my 'Charlie from perks of being a wallflower' moments. It's enlightening, in a way, to feel slightly more coherent about my feelings towards running, after these three years :-) Ya i even inserted a smiley back there CHEERS TO coherent running

I have to stop pulling my hair out trying to keep track of my days and my activities. Time to accept the fact that not all memories are there for the taking or savouring.

Ps. Just another prisoner, just another head.


Remember that time I gave up? Yeah well, now.

You stick to them, why? Because they guarantee you the friends you will never grow to accept, when time comes and you finally view them for who they really are. I daresay I know you well enough, these three years have proved more than satisfactory. You listened, I told you so much that, for a moment I actually thought that I could trust you lol

All of you, in fact. You guys were there for maybe several months, a year, even. Then diarrhoea got injected into reality and reality got real stinky before we knew it Stinky Shit Started Shoving Shelled Shells Straight up your nostrils lol pardon my London-Underground train of thoughts I'll just get straight to the point before I start messing with alliteration again lolz I needed you well I take a guess you assumed otherwise sigh how now how now I am in desperate need of a punctuation --------> . sigh I give up trying to be bitchy about this whole situation (god knows it may no longer exist come tomorrow morning) I will...... just try and settle down. For good. Key word here???? Try.

I'm not usually one for rants about people-inflicted pain or vulnerability. I usually end up regretting, feeling horrid about what I have done, because end of the day, we're hypocrites in our own ways, aren't we.


I guess 3 years must have felt like a really long time. Jug is overflowing, no longer with water.

On a side note, I ran 4.8km today guys guys guys siol thanks for angsting me into it~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


this is jane


this is bob


this is tom

they will have a threesome tonight once they're done licking the remnants of their egested dinner off their hind legs

Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to become independent.

Sometimes, however, this sense of isolation, like acid spilling out of a bottle, can unconsciously eat away at a person's heart and dissolve it. You could see it, too, a kind of double-edged sword. It protects me, but at the same time steadily cuts away at me from the inside. I think in my own way I'm aware of this danger - probably through experience - and that's why I've had to constantly keep my body in motion, in some cases pushing myself to the limit, in order to heal the loneliness I feel inside and to put it in perspective. Not so much as an intentional act, but as an instinctive reaction.

Currently having another one of my 'Charlie from Perks of being a Wallflower' moments. No joke. You're my Sam. She can be my patrick which is quite the colossal joke of the situation seeing how they are both gay. Charlie did settle down in the end, after going through all the shit he did alone and not. I like to think that he too is independent in his own unique way. I'm pretty aware that a 'Charlie from Perks of being a Wallflower' moment is not exactly the ideal moment to be having (especially a night right before school starts what the fuck sianjipuaxzszxzzzz) but Charlie's situation is just terrifyingly inviting and easy to relate to. "Standing on the fringes of life offers a unique perspective", but if a perspective really is that unique, nobody other than that one person would be make to make any sense out of it, would they? I can't seem to recieve any form of consolation.


At the rate I'm floating about in my own mind, I'll probably float away, fly off to the surface and just (coldplay reference)~ Float up up and away into outer space before I realise it myself. I guess we are who we are for a whole load of reasons, some we probably will never manage to discover throughout the duration of our lifetimes. I don't know what's wrong with me and I am aware that alot others have it worse, but I can't seem to help myself. I just cannot stop thinking, I am always in a trance of some sort; almost as if my entire life has been this elongated trance. It is not going away. I can barely even tell right from wrong anymore. It would take a full length A-Grade explanation or more to convince me that smoking is morally wrong; a sin. I guess this is another reason why I'd rather not think, I just do the things my twisted mind label as appropriate at any particular point of time. I don't even know what I should do right at this moment. This is my third attempt at this post because my phone crashed on the previous two.


I feel like jumping into my book and grabbing Charlie by his collar and screaming into his face "DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND" but no, I'll probably just run off since that's what I seem to do best.




I cannot lay my thoughts out in a single-filed straight line, and simply blurt them out as and when somebody asks me a question, or when I am expected to answer with a legitimate response or personal opinion. There is no straight train of thought in this messed up excuse of a head I have. I guess you could compare my thoughts to the London Underground. There are several trains progressing at the exact same point of time, crossing over one another and never actually stopping. Definitely more detailed and complexed than the MRT lines we have here in Singapore. My genuine thoughts, thoughts that Anita have thought out, have been jumbled and fucked up and around way too much with all the false thoughts my mind has manufactured over the period of four years. Stories I made up to make myself feel better about feeling the way I have been feeling, stories and truths based on the lifetimes of other people, and basically a whole load of extremely uncharacteristic bullshit. Well, you can imagine, sifting through that whole chunk of classical stories I have picked up for a genuine response everytime one is sought for. After awhile, it gets really painful and you decide to just shut it out as best as you could. But then again, putting things aside and attempting to forget about them never really does work out, does it? I guess that's where my incoherence comes in.



Things can only get better from here. At least that's what people want me to believe. But hey guys, I can't see the bottom of this extremely dangerous one-way vertical roller coaster pit yet. Things aren't going to end here. Though one thing for sure, I doubt I could ever feel any lonelier than I have been recently. It's just really tiring, not having any secure place to take refuge and know that everything's going to be okay. For all I know, I might realise that everything that happened tonight; puffs from second-hand junk; trying to believe; trying to talk to her and meeting all the qt3.14 TKGS members; then running away in the midst of all the shouting over one another because I could no longer make sense of my own head; all just another episode of my impulsiveness, and shred this post away with my borrowed non-existent shredding machine.


I'm sorry, I guess this really is just my way of figuring myself out.





It's for things like these I miss London so much








Just sitting here looking through the glass that separates me from the rest of the bustling world. I enjoy observing my surroundings, looking at the people walking past me, guessing and judging from their outfits and the expressions on their faces, where they're headed or how lost they are in their own lives. The aunties, the primary school children ushered about by their parents with weary faces, the people who try too hard to ruin their own lives, and the mentally and physically disabled trying to find a place in this world, or just Burger King, without attracting too much attention and pity that the majority of them love to hate.

On a brighter note, bumped into Jannell and caught up for abit, and academics aside, she seems to be doing pretty well. I think she is one of the really few people I can visualize myself hanging around in the less distant future. This really is the only case of my old friends in which both parties are more than willing to catch up and ya actually just lepak :-( It is pretty sad come to think of it but then again that's why I'd rather not

Back to current news, well there's this girl I swear I've seen around somewhere before, the hair, legs and that vacant expression she never fails to put on. She just walked past me again, probably her fourth round around this therapeutic building I don't live in. Amazing awkward swim in the sweltering heat and sun this afternoon without my goggles and I felt like the sexiest fish alive - awkward because I am extremely unburnt

I may be lost. I do not know my purpose. I definitely do not trust anybody, but look on the bright side guys!!! Nobody actually is alone.

Ps. Are you always this easy with people? The way you behave around me does things to me that I never dare voice out because I don't think it would be fair for you to change for the sake of somebody you don't even know.

Pps. kayak mode #on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There's just something about long rides. You can keep still, think, and rest. Yet at the same time you can be assured by the knowledge that you're headed somewhere. Just like how some of us wish life would slow down to give space for thought all the time.




In partially related news, I think I've made up too much in my head to the extent where I can no longer differentiate between what's real and what's not. Well not completely but the clear line that used to be prominent has been disintegrated by all the white and plain lies.

Ps. I think today has changed me quite a bit, for the better. :-) Probably.

Today was really okay, sparking the day off with training and Wanlin's birthday celebration.



Then stealing a mug from the sick bay so that we could oh-so selfishly make english afternoon tea for our own consumption.





(Officially Mission ll, after Mission l where we stole somegreything from someroomwhere with Lidiya and Sorfina more than a month ago)

Credits to Wanlin for accepting Mission lll and bracing herself against all odds to slay Ms Nair and return said stolen mug, and conveniently make up some creative ass story about me cutting my hand and needing a plaster.

Back to the good day, finally a legit mindblowing run with Sarah and Shuyu where we got chased off the track halfway by the security guard and we went on running and running along the other track. Sarah washing her feet (because she ran barefoot) in/on the toilet bowl. And well yeah heavens forbid I forget fucking good TAUHUAY!!!!! Or perhaps it just tasted specially good after the long day.











really want to get a license in something that pumps the adrenaline in me like free like that sia maybe abseiling or climbing or like Sarah brought up, skydiving. Brb moping the next three years ahead away because it feels as if I will never be of age. Who would want to grow older anyway. I don't think I should use the term growing up because growing older makes more sense. Do I annoy everyone just the way I annoy myself all the time when I translate my incoherence into incoherent jibberish~ Oh well food for thought.

I feel unbelievably achieved for producing this lively post :-) :-) :-) Compared to all my recent others. Well least we can infer is that I have been living a life... To some extent.

Why do I walk round and round, reorganizing my memories until they make sense, unravelling and knitting up the flexible memory lane? Why not just write it all down? Thinking all over the world is no longer enough, the mind cannot hold more than so much; but understanding requires that something that takes in the whole of remembered time and then gives allowance for a pause. Perhaps if I write my story as it appears to me, I shall be able to go back and select. Living is like nothing because it is actually everything - too subtle and copious for assisted or unassisted thought.


I really can't sleep and for some odd reason it feels as though my sort of 'dose' of daily energy has been neglected throughout the entire day... Up till about 3 hours ago. Yeah. So here goes a mid-morning dedication post-




Happy birthday my favourite bitch. <3 Thank you thank you thank you for so many things, some of those things already stated in your birthday tissue-paper (do not question) but well thank you for these 3 years, basically just being there for me in the form of the most romantic dates, talks and bitch-fights. Even back in sec 1, all that time we'd spend together at the green terrace with Alicia, Jaslyn and Iffah, and during recess, every single day. So much has changed since then. Most importantly thank you for trusting me. Despite all our bitchy episodes and periods, I could never have asked for a better ride. I love you girl.


































Idk why but let's just add this in for added pleasure




I said I'd go to bed but well guess who's been writing and writing and writing for about 2 hours. Just thinking and reflecting on the past 10 days, because I realised that I do in fact have alot to think about. I mope and shun away from reality, but fail to face and think.

I STOOD ON A ROOF TOP TODAY AN ACTUAL FUCKING ROOF TOP



Just a little something that evoked a little something in me a first glance:
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

Everybody believes that their problems are worst off, so why not just crack a smile, a joke, even, when they instruct you to talk about your own. You have no idea how many times I've tried to tell you about the truth through my jokes.

Yesterday, after doing numerous unreliable quizzes I realised that I'm a really awkward mixture of an introvert and an extrovert, or just a really self-conscious introvert.

On a side-note, I just need some alone-time right now, after 10 consecutive days of vulnerability and stupid what not.



Half empty? Really empty.

Just that feeling of having burnt yourself out, as you swing yourself into momentum and keep going, faster and faster as you quicken your pace to no limit. You are unlimited, 'infinite', do everything they said you'll never be able to do.

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.
It knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.
It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or a gazelle
when the sun comes up you'd better be running.

People may not have high expectations of me, let alone any, but it's enough that I have high expectations for myself. I don't like what I'm letting myself turn into...



How long has it been, two weeks? I promised once, on impulse, and broke that promise in a matter of days. Two weeks ago, I promised another two people and it's really taking me my all to not make up my mind and break that promise on your birthday. What for get me to promise you when you don't even plan to stay and watch me keep it anyway :::::::::)

Hahahahahahaahahahahahagahahahahahahaha :) :) ;::::) :::::::) hahahahahahaahahahahahagahaha

Watched Forrest Gump again last night, and it really set me thinking like nothing has had. Maybe it was just the fact that it was the middle of the night and you know how they associate night-time with thinking and all.











Iron & Wine is my personal therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right next to Coldplay of course.