I have never felt this worthless and demeaning and I may actually be on my way to Hell. Its getting worse. Also had 11 last week and having another 7 tonight but I won't think of anything impractical or permanent like ending my life. I just don't want to be aware of anything for a really, really long time.
Okay. I was subconsciously ranting my ass off on Twitter the past hour, and just decided that perhaps its a little too inappropriate for people that really are just there for the ride. Here I am, because I really doubt it would pain all you fuckers out there being forced to face my ass, because I can't remember having forced anybody on here to read my shit. Its no more private than anywhere else I know, but I just need a healthy outlet. I hate feeling indebted to people when I just dump all my problems on their already sky-high pile of personal issues. I love whatever friends I have left. She has more than enough on her plate. I'm afraid and so worried I won't be smart or clever or experienced enough to be there, or maybe even help her. What with everything going on at the moment. For all I know right now I haven't even been able to be there for myself.

I'm pretty stoked for tomorrow's run, because I haven't ran in a week. And because running is the only thing that can make me feel any better right now. I miss that sort of freedom and I really want it to be sunny. I really have no idea how I am going to be up to any competitive standard, with my swollen ankles and utter cui-ness. God I can barely walk straight. This morning has been awful enough, and I barely squeezed in a few hours of sleep between all that manic packing. This house is really shit, but I guess I'm really too tired to care or do anything but to appreciate whatever it is I still have right now.

These two weeks have really been the worse this year, and I still don't see the light that everybody's been telling me to look out for. I have been so hard on myself, but I tell myself that it would be a lot more painful to just let myself off for the stupidest mistakes. I am a weak person. I can barely reach my own expectations. I thought I tried my best. I actually thought I might get a chance to be perfect or maybe achieve anything

wow shit i am so tired and I just feel worthless and demeaning as hell 247 and i just feel the constant need to push and punish myself. i don't know if i care about life anymore i'm not even going to finish this post. for all i know i wont make it by the rate things are heading down.
Shall actually talk about bits and pieces of this week because I don't like boring blogs.

Fucked A Math up so awfully, I couldn't think of what to do but run off to the toilet and be a disappointment to society right after the paper. Exactly what happened with E Math just two days ago, except that this time no tears were involved but. I thought Bio was alright, even full marks seemed like a highly attainable option at the time. Except I was a careless fuck and I didn't let myself off for that either. This is nowhere close to achieving perfection as I had promised earlier this year or perhaps some time last year. I think I am dangerously close to snapping.

All in all, today has been a rather eventful day. Pretty much like treading through black water in winter but the clouds empathize with you so they accidentally reveal a hint of sunshine, and all of a sudden you don't feel like giving up anymore. These weeks have brought out various reactions I have never before experienced and I am genuinely afraid of getting diagnosed. Its this feeling I just can't define. I can actually feel myself changing as a person, and I doubt its the good kind of change we've all expected at some point of our lives.

Ps. 17 days to finals guys, steady.
Pps. Dark can be bright too
How awful can it get when the blood is my drive.

We made it, T-Rex.
I fucked up again. For real this time.
Crying after a long time has never felt so good I feel like a new person in the worst way.

"Here is the church and here is the steeple, we sure are cute for two ugly people, I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you"

Happy valentines' day. I have the coolest friends and the most amazing girlfriend what more can I ask for.
Who have I been kidding? I have long given up on myself along with everyone else around me.

Its 1.05am right now, and CTs start tomorrow. I have barely revised 1/4 of what I have to for SS tomorrow let alone start on homework. I am also exhausted as hell so ironically, I made myself run 3 kilometres. Oh I broke my record.

I can never allow myself to forget this night. I can not afford to let it happen again. I can't fucking screw up again damn it.
I don't know but I think you'll probably see this, and you probably know who you are. I have never decided to hold on in the first place, it has always been about me trying to put out that troublesome painful flame. But those never had anything to do with you. I have never really let anything be about you. Please go away, its just too bad __________________.
Had a great sex of a time lepaking with mats today after CC comp prelims and I would like to emphasize on how chill I am as a person a i y o okay

Finished or not, we tried our best and this won't be the end of us T-Rex.
Yeaaaaah I'm blogging from my phone in the MRT because I feel the need to wake my blog up because I am fucking jealous because I haven't had more than 7 hours of sleep a day this year because life today has pretty much been the most amazing day minus screwing up the first English TA of the year and not having more than 2 dollars I'm determined not to use any punctuation throught this entire post because I dont know what the fuck time is didnt get to run today but no bo dy is complaining so i decided to climb every step i pass to make up for it oh i am excited for cross country and i am reaaaaching simei yay mummy is getting me chicken rice from orchard because i am an awful daughter who will never deserve trust of any sort i am not even kidding or exaggerating or in the slightest bit feeling the urge to scream or rip my hair about it though i have done enough of that today wowni think this is the longest sentence i have ever produced and sigh can i have a happy honey please i dont ever want to see you tearing yourself up and bawling your eyes out at night over me because you're my best friend and basically it kills me and i trust you to stay strong for yourself for me for your dog because it is c u t e oh speaking of dogs heeeeehe okay so many people care about you so many people need you and i fucking CARE so god damned much i just really wish you could know how much you mean to me because i just really suck at words and sigh really all in all i think i just loved today and i wont even go into all the issues because this is worth life and as for all the other problems they can have sex with themselves yeah i have to go bye
Things may just be okay. I think we've all had enough of letting ourselves down. But don't give yourself a chance to hope just yet.
I feel absolutely lost. Haven't spoken today and barely sent a few texts to someone. I'm just so tired and I want myself back. I want to deserve happiness again. I don't want to feel the constant need to punish and hurt myself. Its driving me fucking insane and recently _______________. I don't want to be the completely delusional perfectionist I see myself becoming. I don't want to give up yet because life is almost too long and only the weak give up.
I'm hoping that 10 cent coin I found (but didn't pick up eek herpes) just a few minutes ago will turn this horrible day into one that won't drive me insane.

Sick of all this bullshit at home, in school, from all of you, basically everywhere and everything. Right now, nearly everyone I know is taking no notice of me and I am nowhere close to feeling an urge to rant or complain about that. I'm so tired and this is the closest thing to freedom that I'll ever deserve.

Missing Amy Winehouse so much!!! Eminem too because I've barely had time to indulge in his explicity this year.

Meet you downstairs in the bar and hurt,
Your rolled up sleeves in your skull t-shirt,
You say "what did you do with him today?",
And sniffed me out like I was Tanqueray,
'Cause you're my fella, my guy,
Hand me your stella and fly,
By the time I'm out the door,
You tear men down like Roger Moore,

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy,
He's in a place, but I can't get joy,
Thinking on you in the final throes,
This is when my buzzer goes,
Run out to meet you, chips and pitta,
You say 'when we married",
'cause you're not bitter,
"There'll be none of him no more,"
I cried for you on the kitchen floor,

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,

Sweet reunion, Jamaica and Spain,
We're like how we were again,
I'm in the tub, you on the seat,
Lick your lips as I soak my feet,
Then you notice little carpet burn,
My stomach drops and my guts churn,
You shrug and it's the worst,
Who truly stuck the knife in first

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble,
Yeah, you know that I'm no good.