feeling like shit right now. i mean after 2 days of hardcore bio mugging and another 2 of sitting rigid and scribbling my left pinky off on a tiny flip desk on my right (note i am left handed) my entire body is aching from i don't know what the heck and my neck and arms are so stiff i can barely turn to fluff the pillow i am collapsed upon. i am also emotional diarrhoea because every single day i come to vjc i am reminded of the fact that this is the legendary jc experience i have built for myself and the same one i am going to takeaway and never look back on. sure i harboured feelings and all that hopeful shizz for awhile as a form of an emotional anchor but i was always lucid about the fact that it was never going to work out anyway. so i don't think it counts. sometimes i tell myself that this is all okay because i came here with the honest intention to ace A's maybe make a few lil pals give and take, finally getting the fuck out of this country. don't get me wrong it's a lovely place and i am unbelievably thankful for every opportunity i've taken for granted. i have merely suscepted myself to being mauled by the system; societal mechanisms. it's been years and i am stuck in this cycle of existential aloneness as opposed to loneliness. only society could ever make me feel inbearably lonely. i think i have become obsolete. i am destroyed and there is no other way but to start afresh and all i am certain of is that i can't do it here.




ps. i'm pretty certain nobody reads this anymore



looking back at how i spent my day today and every other day in which i don't attempt to do anything academic related, i am filled with drive and passion about life and it's various possibilities and i believe this ultimately puts myself in a sad and difficult situation. i can't figure out how to direct this drive and energy into where it needs to be to get me where i want to be and this morphs each day into a chore of it's own which is absolutely not how i want to live in the present. i love learning and understanding everything in general but i hate to deal with feeling so overwhelmed all the time.

jurassic world was the real thrill. hella predictable story but how innovative can you get with a dinosaur park and GMO gone wrong?

no doubt still an applaudable effort at addressing the highlighted theme at hand, especially with the progressive GMO shiz we've been delving into today as a society. at some point we are bound to have our limits shoved painfully in our faces though hopefully not by some fucking dinosaurs.

being a mildly opinionated and non religious person myself i have never really been one to oppose science and it's creative advances but simply put:

some things in nature just shouldn't be messed with; there will always be more to science and it's mechanisms that we can and will never have the capability to fully grasp, and that in itself is sufficient to fuel the risk of a severe backfire which will inherently melt the polished plastic faces right off of man when the time comes.


I don't know how to start.

The need to escape from everything and everyone around me hasn't been this overpowering in a long time and right now it hurts. I can't explain the incessant need to isolate and suppress myself from those who genuinely care the most and I feel horrible about the way I have been behaving. I am a ball of negative energy and that is the one quality about myself I revile the most. It is a constant mental and emotional struggle just to get myself and thoughts inclusive under control, be it about eating or handling my social and academic life. And in the metaphorical and literal sense, I choose to run-- like I was right before the tightening of my throat hindered my breathing, forcing me to stop and face the mental struggle that is my inherent incoherency. Run because that has always been what I do best.

This, every single time.