In a good reminiscing mood tonight. Was also watching a few videos someone posted quite awhile back and... hmm yeah I got distracted. Her voice. Those songs. I'd be pretty darn thankful for any distraction of this sort if it were any other time but no. Not now; I need to get my head and wits together, now more than ever. Flush all other thoughts out of my system. I really don't need you in my life anymore and I am trying to veer myself away from that route that has my eye caught in its clutches at the moment. Facing much difficulty finding other alternatives though.




The past two days/evenings/nights have been pretty bright in the company of people I love, and am really absolutely fond of :) I don't know what it is I've been feeling and I don't need to know. I just feel so... happy and light at the thought and idea of you. You are so good for me. My mind has been drifting so much lately it's pretty crazy and I miss you already.




disclaimer for all cat pics:
goth gurl












All of a sudden I feel myself being reined back in by the pure beauty of arts. Irresistably enticingly juicy as a flat toffee-soaked waffle


So many decisions and I don't think I have my mind set on anything in particular. Though a few sure have caught my eye after the past two days. Right now I should really be focusing on doing my best though recently... really got my doubts about amath. Questioning myself about it's worth if I am to carry on













Been so terribly unsatisfied with life lately i've been doing the most irrational things and it's starting to get to me mentally and emotionally. Perhaps even physically; you know something is wrong when i cannot even find it in me to go for one of my expressive runs


Thank you for many things today wanyi you really are the sweetest tp. Can't imagine term 3 without you :'(




I don't know why i'm writing this but i think i am upset. I am also very confused about many things, and I feel like i should let it out. Only I have no idea just where to start. So i'll settle with proclaiming today a day i really felt myself let go for abit, for the first time in a really long time. I think i also got a glimpse of that bit of light. All this, at the extreme expense of others who really mean quite a slice of the world to me. Well things were going fine (as much as they ever will) until I felt myself really spinning out of control and I felt really tired and so very exhausted. It was such an abrupt thing. I remember i was sitting in class and i think i accidentally let the anxiety get to me, and for the rest of the day i ceased to feel like me. Just like that and i feel like i am back at square one. Or perhaps not that far back. I still feel it in me, just with a strong hint of exhaustion blended into it.


On a side note i am also so very disappointed in myself but I think i have yet to decide what i am to do about it


love you charlie nobody will see this

Tonight was a lovely night despite disappointing and rather painful reminders. Nothing's changed, you're still the same person.
















Also ever thankful to this girl for being there for the most part of tonight :)












<3
















Shooting prelims in two weeks. Just one dry practice left. Really don't like this lousy feeling I have about this season and I'm trying my best to turn things around because the last time something like this happened, they thrived. 2 years back.





Just some throwback cos sharifah uploaded pix and life right now has been boring as can be


So much truth. It breaks my heart to think of you like that.




Best night in a really really long while. Finally met and got to know a few lovely people, and i'm ever so proud of you lidiya. Always shining the brightest :)














Tonight sure made up for quite abit.

Guess it's normal to start missing everything (so much, too) when you reach some point in life where you just feel so fucking pointless and empty as can be

Things are really not ok at all. Haven't felt like myself this entire week. So out of my skin. So simple-minded. So unlike myself. I don't even have a specific ideal of how being myself is supposed to feel like, so there's really nothing to go by. Guess I just feel really out of sorts and I hope it's just this crazy pressure I've been under lately.


Amath was pretty damn disappointing, especially after knowing how it isn't just myself I'm letting down. Taking a good lot of comfort in the fact that I know I can do much better, and it just takes time. Time is all I need now and soon enough it will be all that I have.


Ps. I don't even know if i'm overthinking but I'm crying so much tonight. It's so fucking hard to open up. Trying my best to convince myself that I will feel much better when I wake up tomorrow. No permanent damage will be worth it because things will be fine in the end. I have to believe that

Study hard.
Be happy.
Nothing else is worth it.

Haven't felt this way in a really long time. I'm scared and really really worried I won't be able to handle it if things fall apart any moment now. Time to be really careful and not make (anymore) stupid moves or be stupid and start pushing people away because that shit sucks and I cannot afford to lose anyone who means anything to me now. Happy mother's day.

Need some new meaning in my life because everything just feels so unbelievably now. Great double bball session with some great people today. There's something to feel good about.

You really are the loveliest thing aren't you. What I'd give for an entry.
































I refuse to waste whatever precious time I have left. Especially not with people whom I've never meant shit to. Things have been in an overwhelming whirl for so long now but I'm still here, and this isn't helping. I'm sorry but it's time I started listening to their advice; I have to help myself and stop being so stubborn and too. fucking. nice


Prelim 1. May this week be a productive one of minimum regrets.






I am distracted by too many things and these two days have proved enough. I don't even know what happened during SS but today's paper 2 was insane. I literally felt zero anxiety the entire five minutes before the paper and all I could think of was... You. My mind was just constantly drifting throughout the duration of the paper and I was so worried I had let myself down. Always fighting an internal battle in my seat.


I never thought I'd feel this way about myself, but things and the people in every aspect of my life refuse to work out. Nothing is falling into place and I am constantly unhappy with someone or something, and things are far too messed up for me to change my perspectives. Sometimes I feel as though I know too much; I understand and some of it come way close to home. At the same time I harbor this overwhelming distaste for what I see, or how others seem to go about it. It's no longer a matter of judgements. Perhaps the fault is and has always been with me.
I don't know what to do but indulge in all sorts of distractions. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine with the way things are around me yet at the same time I find it unbelievably selfish to voice it out and obligate others to do what they shouldn't have to. Perhaps things really are better off without me.


Really so tired. The past two days have taken their tole on me and I have lost that drive. How do I convince myself that this isn't worth it.





Bad day. I should have known better than to believe that things had changed. Prelims begin tomorrow and ironically I'm more worried about the anxiety than anything else.






















Last night. I got to see the people I love, and managed to get a special hug. Or two. It was perfect. Arts day wasn't the best, but remniscing and spending time with my bitch sure made up for it. All that anxiety (because late and first performance) before arts fest, forgotten in the midst of last night's perfection. And confusion too. Alot of confusion because I don't know what I'm doing again.
Ps. Thank you for being one of the best parts of last night
Pps. Why don't you just let me know