1. I am losing hair rapidly.
2. I Scramble like a pro when I am angry.
3. I can't decide if I am tired or restless.
4. My eye bags are no joke.

Just got back from NPAP, it was really good. So proud of Part-Athena. Alicia, Dharnia, Jessalyn, Claris, Jiaqian, XinYing, Andrea and so on i can't even askjfkflas

ps. It'll be us holding that in almost exactly a year's time.

pps. Plans for the night.
All sorts of people make my head spin. I wonder how things would be like if it were socially acceptable to be a hermit of sorts, perhaps I'd be happy.

NEW ZEALAND VACANT SHEEPS FARMS OCEANS VAST ICEBERGS PENGUINS AFRICA ELEPHANTS DESERTS PLANTS SUN SUN SUN SUN

I went over the edge for the first time in several years today. I hope it happens again, I can't take it like this.
Hey its 3am and my stomach has been killing me for almost an hour, up till I induced my own puke and I am alive and well again. Somewhat. I sure as hell cannot go back to sleep though, so I shall blog. I'll still be going to school today because 1. LAST PARADE?? 2. I want to see people. 3. I'll die coping. That's really all haaaha.

Yesterday was an almost-perfect day, despite being told to surrender my skirt the next day and definitely not understanding the new math topic, and... stuff.

Shooting was alright after school and LOLZ though we died laughing at m.chew. Got lost with Jen again NO SURPRISE THERE and we were early NO SURPRISE THERE AGAIN. Nice talk with the Mel Eddy Jen before going for Limelight. It was amazing, 3N's proclaimed talents awe me. Saw lots of favourite people and PICTURES, polaroids. Though didn't manage to get any with some and it was just sad, I guess. Headed back with Hariza, then had supper and it was 11.30pm when I got back hoorah bye
I cut my own hair yesterday. It was really meh and that was when I realised I was just bored and empty. So I stopped.

Guess who fucked up again. In the morning when I woke up and realised I could smell the shit. In class when I realised I couldn't focus for nuts, though how that differs from anything I really have no idea. After jogging when I fucked up as a sports rep. Every jogging when I fuck up as a sports rep. I don't think its worth it anymore, I just feel so awful looking at the mess that I'm really partly responsible for. Its no big deal, really, but I guess I just wanted to be perfect. Or at least for things to be perfect all the time, but how could they, when I'm nowhere as close?

Yeah back to where I fucked up. Well, during recess when I couldn't hold shit in anymore. During recess when I received that text. During recess when I hid in the toilet. The entire day when everybody was publicising the use of that toilet. Absolutely ticked me off, though I really have no right to be ticked. At the start of Lit, when I ran off and fell into the drain, tearing my already fucked-up-from-last-year's-sprain ankle ligament. I swear it took me literally every ounce of my self-control to not collapse and disintegrate into liquid angst when I figured what that meant, especially at this rather crucial period of the year. As if shit weren't fucked enough. And the day went on, and on. I'm too tired and I've been binging over everything. What sucks right now is that I have no choice because there is no other alternative to running, something I definitely am not up to doing right this
moment.

Spent a few hours reading, just desperately attempting to clear my head, with Athena. I guess it calmed me down, though something happened again. Talking to Sorfina helped rather much too. I'm just going to... bathe. And ice/elevate/smash or whatever it is I have to do to my ankle to fix it once and for all. Maybe even get some work done. Bye.

Get me laksa cookies
LIFE IS A MESS?????????????







look at 2011 lolssss????
Had a really nice heart-to-heart talk with Mel and Ed today, and finally got to spend some time with Alicia. Also had a few good talks with Sorfina these weeks without getting fished out, though didn't manage to study with Wanlin today. I also think that I might be starting to understand stoichiometry, and I am pretty sure I have learnt how to spell it at the least. Things have been confusing and I haven't thought straight for awhile, but I think I might just scrape through again. I have gone about jotting my thoughts down into a certain book I keep close enough.

Less than a month guys. Are we ready?

Oh hehe saved 6 special birthdays into my phone. Some probably would have least expected one or two out of the six.
Academics
☺ Literature: A1
☺ English: A2
☺ Higher Chinese: C5
☺ SS/Geography : B3
☺ Math: A2
☺ A-Math: A2
☺ Chemistry: B4
☺ Biology: A1

All I'll need to achieve that:

Books
☺ The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas - John Boyne
☺ The Little Prince (Egmont) - Antoine De Saint-Exupéry
☺ 1984 - George Orwell
☺ Norwegian Wood (ORGINAL COVER) - Haruki Murakami


Alcohol
☺ Vanilla Smirnoff ($$$$$$$$$)
☺ NZ 42 below vodka
☺ Bloody mary lol

Lanyards. Carebears. Coldplay. Independence. Blood. Discipline. Help.
At this rate I'm keeping shit in, I can honestly see myself going insane. I can't concentrate on anything I attempt to do and I just can't stop eating. Food really comforts when none else can. I know, life hasn't had it's worst.
I'll try my best today, 2 hours to ensure that I only have to do this once. If I don't pass this I won't be able to move on with practical and I'll be stuck at G5 theory for... Another year.

Yesterday was a really good day spent with Sorfina. Somewhat productive and had a few nice talks. Feels nice to have a friend once in awhile I guess.
I just wrote an insanely long letter to myself. I'm not posting it up here, I guess it's really private and if I feel that anybody should see it, I'll show it to them. Someday, maybe, when this is all over. I really scare myself, and I don't want to do this anymore.

ps

I need you but you sure as hell don't need me.
Yeah hey. Life has been a pretty huge mess and I'm trying my best to get things back together. Right now, I'm at Coffee Bean desperately attempting to do something about my chem homework and bio test tomorrow, and well we'll see how things go, won't we.

I left my spectacles on the bus yesterday and couldn't be fucked twice to add that onto my angst list, so I comforted myself with the fact that I may have nice eyes. Though my spectacles have always been something to make me feel somewhat more secure, what with half my vision blocked by the framings and such. It makes everything around me sort of woozy, as if I'm in a dream. And nOoOoOoOo likes me better with spectacles on so superficial mode #on.
The coffee here is h u m o n g o u s lol alright so life ah I feel the constant need to split myself into three Anitas to satisfy each major aspect of my life right now. I just feel overwhelmed with guilt all the time now.

Oh supposed LJ today was amazing. I mean the workshop and shit were shit lah but I had fun I guess and I was able to just smile and relax. Had fun in class with Valerie Nicole VGoh Jen. Then had a gay hell of a time with charlie the dinosaur running all over the place stealing food and being ADD kids I am sorry but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAGAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The personality test today made so much sense in a way that just doesn't and won't ever make sense to me. Sometimes I really hate who I am and who I have to be.







Its over, T-Rex. Its all over but memories stay gold forever.
My mind just shuns away all forms of thought and I can't help it. I am not complaining. Yet at the same time I can't stop thinking about everything and anything. It gets tiring and really lonely sometimes. All the time. Worrying yet not being able to pick myself up and do anything about everything. I just end up shutting the world out and fantasize about running away.

Thank you for those three days and for being there. Its just too bad I guess. So much has been going on and I think I need a diary more than anything right now, to keep up with myself and madness. I really miss me too.