there's been this dull, slight ache lately -- just the past few days. i feel it when i wake up in the morning, then at night or sometimes in the early hours before i go to bed. it feels a little like loneliness, yet ever so slight i can't quite define it enough to come to a conclusion. i really haven't been expecting a lot from life, mostly just watching and doing what's at mind as it comes.

i find myself questioning literally everything around me and life has been a series of me shutting the world out a lot. it is a very pointless place, yet at times i think it is actually fucking beautiful. everything happens just because it has to, nothing else. everything is, as it is scientifically, nothing but matter. charged atoms and shit. people love simply because the molecules in their brains are wired to feel empathy. jealousy, hatred and anger. negative emotions are nothing but versions of our survival instincts at play and a follow-up to our brains telling us what it finds a threat against acceptance; survival and pleasure. there is literally so much of this shit going on in my head all the time it is fucking weird. sometimes i feel slightly afraid for/of myself and i am almost certain there is nobody i can communicate with anymore for i have ceased to see meaning in practically everything that means anything to them. everything just seems so superficial and unnecessary. i know that can very easily be proved wrong and that someone somewhere will always come up with an explanation to any and every question that i could come up with. i just feel really cold.

despite this overwhelming cynicism, i know from the very presence of this slight ache that i still want more out of this life. something is just always missing.

it never really leaves does it. and then i find myself back on here.