japan imy

in retrospect of yesterday or yesterweek i have been on the verge of worry and distress over the imminent turn out of the o levels, and basically all the promises i have made to myself over the course of the past four years. promises that all border around the lines of doing my best and harbouring zero regrets whatsoever. undoubtedly clichés. then again clichés are clichés for a reason; they all share that one rarity in common: truth and sense

well bringing myself back to my main point, o levels. the root of most of my current anxiety, seeing as i have successfully achieved some form of social nirvana. more often than not i am too overly exasperated to be troubled by the little things that crop up every now and then (another one of my many flaws i have to work on, tagged on to my post-os to-do-list alongside mountain climbing FOR FUCKIN SRS and physically copying 57 dreams out from my iphone notes cos dat shit DANGER)

ironic, and less than a little funny, how once upon a time additional mathematics and chemistry were the derivatives of my academic-life crisis, yet at current, i find myself lamenting about the bane of my academic existence being the prospect of writing anything at all under any degree of examined pressure. by 'anything at all' i do mean writing anything ranging from open-ended answers for biology, math even, to relevant english and literature essays. i am just that sufferable enough to find myself rendered helpless under pressure. likewise explainatory to why i have found myself burning out and resultantly indulging in escapism post-graduation. pressure. air

on a side note, this time by escapism i do refer to more batman and recently law & order has hopped on my personal bandwagon. all this despite the fact that i have barely gotten halfway through himym season 8, not since yabancidiziizle failed on me NO WAY IN HELL AM I FORGETTING THAT URL

subconsciously, i have always been aware that i could easily rediscover any part of myself if i wanted to. it is only the subtle fear of not being able to cope with what i find that holds me back. fear that i would find myself tangled in a colossal self-inflicted mess of who of i used to be, and who i want to be, with the latter taking on the most part of the battle. i have never had much to worry over the issue of 'who i am' because that is non-existential as it is constantly evolving, for the better or for the worse. doesn't matter

my point is, you can never really lose all of what you once had. some part of what once was will inevitably linger on; be it memory or a physical reminder. you will always be able to find your way back. if you look hard and long enough. if you reach that point, where you grant yourself with the realisation that all your fears are but a fragment of your imagination. if you achieve a heightened sense of awareness that your limitations are but mirages of no substance. you will notice an accidental trail leading back to where you once started. you could choose to turn back and stand where you once stood and overlook the decisions you once made. you could have all the liberty in the world and there would be nothing you had to change or give up. you could live freely in both the past and the present

i am going to invest in myself, in terms of faith and believe that since i have made it this far, i'll make it through anything in the near future just as well. preferably better.

good indie,
a run under the sun

tumblr \ twitter \