I am distracted by too many things and these two days have proved enough. I don't even know what happened during SS but today's paper 2 was insane. I literally felt zero anxiety the entire five minutes before the paper and all I could think of was... You. My mind was just constantly drifting throughout the duration of the paper and I was so worried I had let myself down. Always fighting an internal battle in my seat.


I never thought I'd feel this way about myself, but things and the people in every aspect of my life refuse to work out. Nothing is falling into place and I am constantly unhappy with someone or something, and things are far too messed up for me to change my perspectives. Sometimes I feel as though I know too much; I understand and some of it come way close to home. At the same time I harbor this overwhelming distaste for what I see, or how others seem to go about it. It's no longer a matter of judgements. Perhaps the fault is and has always been with me.
I don't know what to do but indulge in all sorts of distractions. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine with the way things are around me yet at the same time I find it unbelievably selfish to voice it out and obligate others to do what they shouldn't have to. Perhaps things really are better off without me.


Really so tired. The past two days have taken their tole on me and I have lost that drive. How do I convince myself that this isn't worth it.