I think I inevitably am a pathological liar. I don't even do it on purpose anymore it's as though such lies come more naturally than the truth itself. I have been lying to everyone. Lying to myself. What's new. I don't want to face reality...(again what's new) I've been so distracted lately, from everything, myself studies reality and all. I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. Who the hell am I lying to lol myself??? Probably since that's about the only person I've been having conversations with lately.


You were a more of an escape for me than anything else. An escape from myself, because I was so tired of feeling the way I was. Right now I don't even think I can grasp onto (the thought of) you any longer because you've gotten me so worried, and sadder than anything, after today. I don't think I can talk to you at all... I'm sorry. This isn't right. I should be feeling so happy...blissful rather than all insecure and weak like this. I hate this. I hate how much I desperately need you at this moment, I hate feeling needy more than anything else in the world.


I thought I beat this for good. I really believed that for awhile, until the people around me started getting selfish, or perhaps it was just me being an oversensitive brat. Whatever it was, it made me realise that this is my reality. I am running from nothing but everything, because I already am living in the reality of my life. I was aware this entire time that the supposed 'happiness' felt so surreal. I was certain it wouldn't last. I was even almost coherent for awhile. Almost. Barriers... Forever barriers. I don't even know what for anymore.

I don't even..... no idea where all that came from lol what am I doing I have a test tomorrow don't I

Lol