I am probably the only person who cried as hard as I did while watching the perks of being a wallflower even after reading the book. Everyone whom I did not ask for their opinions tell me anyway that it's boring, a disappointment. But whether or not that's how they actually feel about it or just an echo of others' words, I can never be sure.

I don't know why I feel this way and I feel very stupid for feeling this way. I can never have that relationship charlie has with his siblings, or family for that matter. I can never talk about anything, open up, no matter how many friends I have around me. I am so alone and I don't know how to make it better. I can't find it in me to be honest and open about... everything, when I talk to a professional. I assume they don't understand. Of course they don't. They're only there because they're paid to listen to me, give me the shit I ask for to keep me sane, and shove advice towards me, fake as pamela anderson's boobs.

Everytime I watch a movie like this one, or read too much into a really simplistic book, I make a conscious decision to just give up on everything. Give up, start over, give myself another chance because I think that there is still time. What if. One day I read something that evokes that kind of thought and realise that time is no longer there for me. I can't even be sure that I wouldn't end my life just like that. What's telling me that i won't is that I will be too afraid of hurting and scarring the lives the people who care despite my inability to talk to them. I wouldn't want something like that to rest on my conscience.