Okay. I was subconsciously ranting my ass off on Twitter the past hour, and just decided that perhaps its a little too inappropriate for people that really are just there for the ride. Here I am, because I really doubt it would pain all you fuckers out there being forced to face my ass, because I can't remember having forced anybody on here to read my shit. Its no more private than anywhere else I know, but I just need a healthy outlet. I hate feeling indebted to people when I just dump all my problems on their already sky-high pile of personal issues. I love whatever friends I have left. She has more than enough on her plate. I'm afraid and so worried I won't be smart or clever or experienced enough to be there, or maybe even help her. What with everything going on at the moment. For all I know right now I haven't even been able to be there for myself.

I'm pretty stoked for tomorrow's run, because I haven't ran in a week. And because running is the only thing that can make me feel any better right now. I miss that sort of freedom and I really want it to be sunny. I really have no idea how I am going to be up to any competitive standard, with my swollen ankles and utter cui-ness. God I can barely walk straight. This morning has been awful enough, and I barely squeezed in a few hours of sleep between all that manic packing. This house is really shit, but I guess I'm really too tired to care or do anything but to appreciate whatever it is I still have right now.

These two weeks have really been the worse this year, and I still don't see the light that everybody's been telling me to look out for. I have been so hard on myself, but I tell myself that it would be a lot more painful to just let myself off for the stupidest mistakes. I am a weak person. I can barely reach my own expectations. I thought I tried my best. I actually thought I might get a chance to be perfect or maybe achieve anything

wow shit i am so tired and I just feel worthless and demeaning as hell 247 and i just feel the constant need to push and punish myself. i don't know if i care about life anymore i'm not even going to finish this post. for all i know i wont make it by the rate things are heading down.