Jeesh how long has it been since I came on my laptop to blog. New start huh, big joke. How many times have I promised myself and so many others around me that I. Am. Going. To. Change. Sigh. I admit I tried rather hard this morning, finishing one whole cheena essay and half of surds then giving up (not before tearing half my head off). I honestly need a personal tutor/friend/kind soul to help me out here any volunteers sniffs /cue for a sweet text now. And Chem. And piano theory. I love music. I hate stressing. And its really hard not to when you have a misunderstanding, judgemental excuse of a piano teacher guiding you through your grade 5 theory examination. I know its just grade 5 but I've never been known for my amazing memory or knowledge or whatnot lah give me a break. I'm too lazy to even bother to organize this messy post into meaningful paragraphs because either way I doubt there's meaning to be found here man. And now I can feel the laziness seeping through my bones and bye I'm not even going to try organizing my thoughts into words. I've never been particularly outstanding at voicing out

my opinions. I'm trying so hard right now and it just isn't working. This doesn't feel natural. I'm more of a physical person when it comes to my feelings. I run, I tear stuff, I cry, I don't talk. I only talk because I have to make others understand me, because that's the society's standard of living, because I don't want to be stereotyped, because I hate feeling lonely when I'm alone. I've had enough of loneliness. Why do I feel as if I've ranted about this before. More than several times. Oh and I miss her, hell. I've always hated long weekends for such reasons. I hate having to miss people and not having enough power to overpower my stupid weaknesses u g h.

Oh I think I gained weight. I feel 5% flabbier and I haven't exercised in 2 days yes after typing that I realise I sound like a freak whatever I'll just go run or jump or swim or fly or something to make myself feel better tomorrow. Had reunion dinner tonight and I only found out like an hour before. Huh. What was that $688 dinner last night about then? And this is the first CNY I've consciously counted down to ha ha not out of any patriotic festive meaning but I was really just bored and very lonely. Okay. If I were sticking to my resolution, right now rather than physically communicating with my lousy laptop I'd be otp with Alicia or something discussing Surds or reading or doing my tuition homework due next week or revising piano theory because I know I'll be crying my head off over all this again in a few days because of the typical sudden-

overload-of-stress I'm starting to face every school day. Yet I somesickeninglyhow can NOT wait for school to start again. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M LEAVING SOMETHING OUT!!!! Oh weirdly enough I find my self adjusting to the fact that I'm now sec 3 alot naturally as compared to me adjusting to being a sec 2. I mean, at the end of sec 2 I barely felt as if the year had started. It was a bad year and okay I don't see how that has anything to do with adjusting with the sec 2 feeling I JUST DONT LIKE 2011. Okay I can always edit this if I feel the need to ah its 1.28am and I still don't have a clue what time is ha ha bye.

I just told a new lie today without thought and I just realised that I never ever ever never ever keep such promises. Accidentally lying technically isn't lying is it?

oh oh ps. found this in my guiltily neglected CD cupboard and now I'm on an Amy Winehouse streak a a h h h h

still a coldplayer for life though nothing aint changing that.

Come on dear gay bird. I wanna see you happy, because sad gay birds aren't gay and nobody likes gay birds that aren't gay. There's no real reason for you to be sad. Not anyone. Because no matter how much grey clouds devour the sky, the sun will always be shining behind. Even through the darkest times, through thunderstorms and midnight. The sun is like the reason why you were once happy, and will always be. You just have to know that it always will be there and has always been, those happy memories, sweet words meant for you, hugs and love from people that mean anything to you. Dig them out and you'll find your happiness. You can never lose your happiness, it can only be piled upon and upon and will never collapse you'll suffocate and die a happy death in that pile of overflowing happiness what am I even saying ok just be happy because I care and you have my number and omg yay smile. Where that that whole piece of mushy text came from, we shall never know.