I am so sorry. After one night and two whole hours of you screaming and shouting have I finally realised how much this has affected and hurt you too. After all this while its been my issue, my problem, and not yours. It wasn't your trust in question, it was always mine. My distrust in you. After all this while you've given me completely unconditional trust and love despite my constant disappointments, distrust, bullshit, disappointments, lies, and disappointments. I am so sorry. Everything I asked for, I got. Yet I keep pushing the blame back onto you. I am shameless. Even after doing so badly, coming home late everyday its getting mundane, you still keep the faith and trust. I don't deserve any of this. Right now I just wish so hard that you've been secretly following me on twitter or trying to understand my life so that it won't be as hard on you. I am not completely heartless, I do know how much of a bitchy excuse of a daughter I've been. That was so overwhelming and right now I am so lightheaded. I'm so sorry. You may have hit or slapped me more than a few times but the damage and hurt I've inflicted on everybody here is completely irreversible. I am so sorry.

All this while, I've been blaming myself alot more than I should, but even so its all over the wrong reasons. Yeah, I am lazy and I can't even bring myself to look for the motivation to do well so how on earth can I expect others to help me. I take things for granted. I have always had issues on loneliness. That is the one thing that would probably hurt as bad as stabbing me with 10 basilisk fangs and suffocating me with zebra pee. I can't even bear to watch I Am Legend because it basically depicts my worst fear. I have trust issues too. I don't trust anybody that can speak. Not even my best friend. Don't even have to ask why I'm lonely. I repel people because somehow I'm not as welcoming, friendly or invitingly cheerful as others. Maybe a real friend wouldn't care. But I wouldn't know, would I. I've always wanted someone to understand me. I've always wanted to trust someone with my everything. But then again I've had too much experience with people just making up their minds out of the blue to leave. And there I stand, with nothing left. All I really want is one friend who would treasure our friendship more than their ego. That would initiate something for once rather than just take me for granted all the damn time. That would spare a thought about how I'd feel about whatever they're doing. That would actually care less than half as much my mum does. That would actually be there for me and not just say that. I don't ask for them to be perfect. All I want right now is for someone to take their time and effort to actually try and know me. I sound like such a self centered bitch. Okay I don't even deserve this. I don't even deserve this phone I'm typing on right now. I've been pushing you away these months and as far as I'm concerned, none of you have done a thing to pull me back. In the end I'm the one that realises I can't live anymore and snap and force you back in. I know I'm not worth it. I'm not abnormally smart, pretty, funny, rich or cool enough for you guys. One of them has gone far beyond reach and I have no damn idea how to pull them back right now. I doubt you even think about me a quarter of how much I still do. Everyday. I've inflicted too much hurt and damage and I'm aware its irreversible. But I'm not perfect, right? I'm jealous, I'm lonely, I'm insecure, I get hurt easily, I'm possessive. I can't see the bright side anymore. Its like I'm drowning minus that last glimpse of light. Through these past 6 months I've been thinking that I'm on the way down when in fact I'm simply going through the biggest lesson I've had learnt all my life. I need to trust. And more than anything, I need to know how to trust. I need someone to trust. What is trust anyway. I can go on till tomorrow.

Even after reading all this, you'd probably still see me as pathetic. Funny as it seems, I don't blame you.