the people we attract in our lives are mirrors for what is also going on inside us, in some capacity - maybe there is a part of you that needs or needed what you want to provide them with. so give to yourself what you want to give to them. the best thing for you to do would be to focus on being emotionally loving and available to yourself, slowly start letting go and distancing yourself and detach. start putting yourself first and focusing on what you need and want. sometimes, letting a person go will show you whether they are truly meant to be in your life or not. it also allows the person to change on their own and if things are meant to be, you will certainly return to one another. give yourself this time. you never know what can happen when you let go. you bring others into your life who want to give you what you have to give.

i know things have been a bit complicated and it's definitely hard (for me) to communicate most of the time, but i want to let you know that i'll always be grateful for you and whatever you have done for me, unknowingly or not. we got closer at a point in my life where i really needed someone like you - sweet, caring yet unidealistic, rational, driven, down to earth and a constant stable presence. sometimes super... indecisive... sometimes. but okay i'm also a really indecisive person so i can't blame you lelsss

your presence honestly opened my eyes a little and made an impact in my life this year, after whatever emotional turmoil i went through before, and i have no regrets whatsoever. you were always quite a sweet friend to me and to others around you, even before i got to know you better away from your lame jokes and weird personality. will always remember when you bought me cookies after my uncle passed away, and helping me through that shitty phase with khai. and i'm sorry again for whenever i was snappy and mean to you, just because i didn't know how to behave or where i stood with lines so blurred.

even the thought of you leaving right now is slightly unbearable, especially after i've grown so accustomed to your presence and realised how much i've come to depend on you. but life is a lot bigger than this, and i hope you have the loveliest summer back home where you'll be much happier, and in brunei travelling with your friends.

keep the flame in you alive and remind yourself to make the most of every moment!!! live with no regrets this summer (and for the rest of your life). please train for your half marathon, don't die so we can run from ecp to marina barrage (and back) and have 78 xiao long baos and salted egg chicken when i'm home :))))

xxxxxx
nitz


there just comes a time when the roads we're on in our journey to fulfilment diverge too far apart from one another and we're forced to go our separate ways. relationships start to feel meaningless but the past will always be what it is: gold in memory. that's the agonizing beauty of it - you keep looking back, and you know it just can't ever get better than that.


i never really got round to explaining and justifying what exactly it is i'm doing with my life at this moment - for the past 2.5 month and the next 3.5 to come, i have and will be doing an internship at mbs which has turned out to be alot more of a challenge than i expected, in many aspects.

i had landed the job through a cv coughed up in the span of an hour uploaded onto jobstreet.com which shortlisted me for an interview which lasted an hour, non inclusive of a written essay test on the economic development of the wonder that is China. the position given to me was administrative assistant to Julie Wong, director of global development to lvs, which, imo was a pretty darn prestigious role for her to give up - now let me elaborate.

-tbc-


in the first 6 months of 2016 i will:
complete my first internship
earn my driver's license
get into university, be it local or in the UK
read at least 2 books a month
train for and complete my first half-marathon within 1:50
learn to trade stocks
skydive
go backpacking with a friend for the first time
visit new zealand for the third time
visit UK for the second time




Combining his extraordinary intellectual powers with profound common sense and vast experience, Graham developed his core principles, which are at least as valid today as they were during his lifetime:

•A stock is not just a ticker symbol or an electronic blip; it is an ownership interest in an actual business, with an underlying value that does not depend on its share price.

•The market is a pendulum that forever swings between unsustainable optimism (which makes stocks too expensive) and unjustified pessimism (which makes them too cheap). The intelligent investor is a realist who sells to optimists and buys from pessimists.

•The future value of every investment is a function of its present price. The higher the price you pay, the lower your return will be.

• No matter how careful you are, the one risk no investor can ever eliminate is the risk of being wrong. Only by insisting on what Graham called the "margin of safety" – never overpaying, no matter how exciting an investment seems to be – can you minimize your odds of error.

• The secret to your financial success is inside yourself. If you become a critical thinker who takes no Wall Street "fact" on faith, and you invest with patient confidence, you can take steady advantage of even the worst bear markets. By developing your discipline and courage, you can refuse to let other people's mood swings govern your financial destiny. In the end, how your investments behave is much less important than how you behave.







chillin' upon a sturdy branch on this fig tree that is life, waiting the rest of 2015 out


i thought an intervention would seem appropriate after spending the past five days of fresh liberation with an imminent weight in my chest.

having gotten the LNATs over and done with, i seem to have granted myself the permission to indulge in the unfortunate wait. symptoms of this wait encompass the periodical (every 5-10 minutes) refreshing of my email in hopes of enlightenment of an offer from durham???












UCL/KCL???









or c'mon at least birmingham gotta give (no pics for lack of 1800s aesthetic -- can't beat warwick though, nonetheless thanks for the conditional)


highly dreaded symptom no. 2 includes the lack of desire to reply anybody or communicate via smartphone in general which has been mildly inconvenient given my warrior cats (book series) bedridden situation. would attribute this to the fact that every time i pick up my phone i am redirected back to my gmail obsession.

on a more self-helpful note, life for the following 6-months that is my new job at mbs ensues on the 28th, leaving me to milk as much of a self-defined break from this last week of actual holiday, cue fairylights... xmas parties





in order to feel more, and to feel more like ourselves, we connect. but in our rush to connect, we flee from solitude and our ability to be separate and gather ourselves. lacking the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people but don't experience them as they are. it is as though we use them, need them as spare parts to support our increasingly fragile selves. we think constant connection will make us feel less lonely. the opposite is true. if we are unable to be alone, we are far more likely to be lonely. if we don't teach our children to be alone, they will know only how to be lonely.
feeling really overwhelmed by the prospect of the impending two months. i don't know if i have the capacity to sit through another term of this dragged out obligated-study-for-exams period again. i don't think i have ever forced myself to sit down and shut myself off, to go with the flow of what i should be doing as much as i am right now. the vast majority may perceive that to be the virtue that is discipline but i feel like it's a sorry excuse to limit myself. i know i am so much more, but all this for the greater good that is education's sake. right.

maybe if i were doing exceptionally well i could siphon some form of high from the mugging experience. that said, i feel like i could get there in time.

fuck school and all it's people

feeling like shit right now. i mean after 2 days of hardcore bio mugging and another 2 of sitting rigid and scribbling my left pinky off on a tiny flip desk on my right (note i am left handed) my entire body is aching from i don't know what the heck and my neck and arms are so stiff i can barely turn to fluff the pillow i am collapsed upon. i am also emotional diarrhoea because every single day i come to vjc i am reminded of the fact that this is the legendary jc experience i have built for myself and the same one i am going to takeaway and never look back on. sure i harboured feelings and all that hopeful shizz for awhile as a form of an emotional anchor but i was always lucid about the fact that it was never going to work out anyway. so i don't think it counts. sometimes i tell myself that this is all okay because i came here with the honest intention to ace A's maybe make a few lil pals give and take, finally getting the fuck out of this country. don't get me wrong it's a lovely place and i am unbelievably thankful for every opportunity i've taken for granted. i have merely suscepted myself to being mauled by the system; societal mechanisms. it's been years and i am stuck in this cycle of existential aloneness as opposed to loneliness. only society could ever make me feel inbearably lonely. i think i have become obsolete. i am destroyed and there is no other way but to start afresh and all i am certain of is that i can't do it here.




ps. i'm pretty certain nobody reads this anymore



looking back at how i spent my day today and every other day in which i don't attempt to do anything academic related, i am filled with drive and passion about life and it's various possibilities and i believe this ultimately puts myself in a sad and difficult situation. i can't figure out how to direct this drive and energy into where it needs to be to get me where i want to be and this morphs each day into a chore of it's own which is absolutely not how i want to live in the present. i love learning and understanding everything in general but i hate to deal with feeling so overwhelmed all the time.

jurassic world was the real thrill. hella predictable story but how innovative can you get with a dinosaur park and GMO gone wrong?

no doubt still an applaudable effort at addressing the highlighted theme at hand, especially with the progressive GMO shiz we've been delving into today as a society. at some point we are bound to have our limits shoved painfully in our faces though hopefully not by some fucking dinosaurs.

being a mildly opinionated and non religious person myself i have never really been one to oppose science and it's creative advances but simply put:

some things in nature just shouldn't be messed with; there will always be more to science and it's mechanisms that we can and will never have the capability to fully grasp, and that in itself is sufficient to fuel the risk of a severe backfire which will inherently melt the polished plastic faces right off of man when the time comes.


I don't know how to start.

The need to escape from everything and everyone around me hasn't been this overpowering in a long time and right now it hurts. I can't explain the incessant need to isolate and suppress myself from those who genuinely care the most and I feel horrible about the way I have been behaving. I am a ball of negative energy and that is the one quality about myself I revile the most. It is a constant mental and emotional struggle just to get myself and thoughts inclusive under control, be it about eating or handling my social and academic life. And in the metaphorical and literal sense, I choose to run-- like I was right before the tightening of my throat hindered my breathing, forcing me to stop and face the mental struggle that is my inherent incoherency. Run because that has always been what I do best.

This, every single time.

i feel like I'm running backwards but I'll try to fall forward when I do

the prospect of the upcoming months' worth of events has surmounted to a colossal and intermittent weight in my chest. as i find myself at war with the incessant struggle to milk each day of its fullest potential, I am faced with the reality that i signed up for this, and to give anything short of my best effort would be to shortchange myself.

starting to lose sight of several of my goals in the midst of all the little setbacks i'm facing. need to muster some stamina and numb myself to my surroundings if i'm to make it through this year at all

i don't feel the need to relive events and experiences undergone in the past year right now. i would like 2015 to be a year of doing and carrying out, rather than one of ideals and reflection.

on another note, there is something that has been going on and off throughout 2014 and i refuse to let it be a thing of 2015. so here's to emotional liberation and the self sufficiency to focus on the realistic and present aspects of life around me.

feeling extremely insignificant at the moment. not to anyone in particular but just entertaining the lure of fading into the background to observe and not partake in anymore of which i find completely irrelevant to who i am or what i aspire to achieve in life. it is draining and increasingly so unnecessary.

the realisation of what i really want for myself usually dawns on me in any state of introversion. that is when i am able to think for myself bereft of all social pressures and then i catch myself getting lost in ideas and fantasies of the life i want; the life i need because without which i will never actually be at peace with myself.

jc has been a whole new lesson in life for me: understanding how it's on my own terms and nobody else's to set out and achieve what i really want for myself. self-sufficiency is key but it can be so lonely.